Seb

[Lorcan Scamander]

Okay, serious question: Veela or Merperson?

[Sebastian Nott]

Veela. All the way. How are you supposed to shag a merperson?

[Lorcan Scamander]

I meant in a fight, not to shag, though I guess it's my fault for not specifying (I was going to say "Get your mind out of the gutter," but then, your mind is always in the gutter. Honestly, I should probably thank you for getting it far out enough to owl me back).

[Sebastian Nott]

Are they fighting over who gets to shag me or? Because otherwise I'm not interested.

[Lorcan Scamander]

THIS IS AN IMPORTANT QUESTION I'M ABOUT TO LOSE A BET TO LYSANDER. (I don't care what they're fighting over, I just need support - Lysander's opening up a bloody textbook)

[Sebastian Nott]

Veelas are hotter, and everyone knows that hot people are superior - I'm a shining example - so, Veela.

I'm bored. Why aren't you over here nestled up beside me?

[Lorcan Scamander]

Okay, your reasoning is bizarre, but at least you agree with me! Ly refuses to accept that merpeople are useless out of water. Veela can swim, probably! They can do both!

I figured you were bored, since you are actually continuing this conversation. I'm engaged in an intellectual battle to death but we could... cuddle afterwards, I guess?

[Sebastian Nott]

And they're hotter.

Afterwards? Ouch. You're so cold. I'd make it worth your time, baby.

[Lorcan Scamander]

And they're hotter. Unless you're a merperson, though, you'd probably find the merwomen merladies mermaids more attractive, wow that was stupid.

And I'm not cold. I cast a very effective Warming Charm, HA HA. To be honest, I am kind of bored, too, though.

[Sebastian Nott]

How do merpeople shag? Like, if I was a merman, and I saw a really hot mer-babe, how would we get it on? Do they just slap their tails together? This is really stressing me out.

You're very cold. Off having important discussions while poor little Sebastian is all alone in his big bed without any big strong man to spoon with him.

Not that you're that big and strong, but I'm willing to make do.

[Lorcan Scamander]

Well probably like fish, I guess. Though, even fish do it loads of different ways. Maybe it's like salmon, and the mermaid sprays out a bunch of eggs, and then the merman comes a long and fertilizes them when he has free time. I now feel horribly uncomfortable by the way. I can't believe you made me theorize about merperson sex.

Seb, mate, you're taller than me. If anyone should be complaining about lack of big strong people to spoon with, it's me. Though a big bed does sound nice - I always end up losing the toss and sleeping on the futon.

[Sebastian Nott]

Are you trying to seduce me by talking about mermaid sex? Because guess what? It's working. I'll come along and fertilize your eggs, lover-boy. Wink, wink.

I'M NOT TALLER THAN YOU IF I CROUCH A BIT.

All you do is criticize.

[Lorcan Scamander]

I knew you were a strange depraved soul, Seb, but that kind of takes the cake. Do other people in your life know about your mermaid fetish, or is that horrifying honor reserved for me?

But you don't crouch, because it would make you look like a twat, and therefore less attractive. And we both know that doing anything that made you less attractive would probably end with you imploding or crying or something.

[Sebastian Nott]

It's all for you, baby. I'm still sort of confused as to why you're writing to me when you could be getting fertilised by me, but hey.

Don't be ridiculous, I'm always attractive.

[Lorcan Scamander]

I can't be fertilized by you, there's nothing here to fertilize? For all your big talk, it is clear that you don't understand biology, ha.

I'm going to not comment on that, I'd just like to remind you that I have seen you very drunk, wearing so many odd things on top of your head.