Julian James,

[Caleb Blackwood]

Julian James,

Friend. Friend. What is wrong with you? Where have you been? Please tell me the only reason you haven’t written to me in the past week is because you’ve been waiting for me to write to you (which I’m doing now, so you’re welcome).

Also, just an update: that older, unreasonably fit girl from the party Dominic threw the weekend before last? I never heard from her again. It’s tragic.

Tell your mum I say hi,
Caleb

[Julian Delaire]

Caleb Nathanial. Stop calling me friend. I don't have any friends, haven't you heard the rumors? (Except for that one weird Hufflepuff kid, I guess.)

And yes, in fact, I have been waiting for you to write. Thanks for finally getting around to it, mate. I've only been bored out of my mind the past few weeks. Mum's got a date tonight, which is my only source of entertainment these days. I've mostly just been sitting around, studying, and glaring at any man she brings home. It's amazing how intimidated grown men can be of a sixteen-year-old.

Mate, that's how all your stories of girls go. You need to stop chasing after older girls. Leave them for Dominic. There are some perfectly fine girls in our own year, you know. Have you talked to Addie Beaumont lately? Because you really should. I can't handle you trying to flirt with her for another year.

Mum says hi back, and she also says to come visit. Note, this is from her, not me. I'd rather not see your face, thanks.

Julian

[Caleb Blackwood]

It's Faye, isn't it? Faye's your one true Hufflepuff friend. I always knew the end would be you choosing between me and her, and you've clearly made your choice. I'm tearing up a bit, just give me a moment here.

Now that I've composed myself (your rejection of my friendship still hurts, I'll have you know), I'm calling you out because if you were bored and wanted to hear from me, you could've written to me yourself. Grown men? Intimidated by you? You've picked up that fabricating stories habit again, I see.

Excuse you, I've had some successful things with girls. In the past. That I can't exactly remember. But that's all besides the point. And of course not. Why would I have talked to Addie lately? I've been talking to Ainsley often though, so that counts. She's the best. From what I recall, she is also your friend, so we should all plan to do something together in the near future. It'd be fun.

Tell your mum that I love her and will be over tomorrow for tea. That's right, I'm inviting myself. You love me, secretly. My face is the absolute best face and you know it.

Caleb

[Julian Delaire]

Definitely. Faye's the only Hufflepuff I have room for in my ice-cold heart. Please take a moment to compose yourself.

I don't write to people. People write to me. You've known me for five years, man, get with the program. And you know what, just for that, next time I visit, I'm gonna try it on your brother. Ten galleons says he'll cower like a baby. And I will stand vindicated.

Uh-huh. Those little third or fourth year girls with crushes on you don't count. Neither does that girl you kissed under a mistletoe. Why wouldn't you talk to Addie? That's all you ever want to do. Ainsley is hardly the same as Addie. You can tell girls apart, can't you?

And she's not my we're not Ainsley and I just study together. Sometimes. She's your friend. And don't sign me up for plans with other people. I'm not interested in socializing. Your idea of fun is a bit different from mine, mate.

Your face is not that great. But fine. I know how much you love my mum's cooking and tea.

Julian

[Caleb Blackwood]

I'll never be completely composed again. You've ruined me, friend.

Whoa there, I'm going to have to ask you to tone down the snark just a tad. Dominic will most certainly not cower like a baby. Maybe I'm not a gambling man, mate, I don't make bets. Take your false sense of confidence somewhere else.

There's girls in third and fourth year who have crushes on me? THE MISTLETOE GIRL WAS FOR THE POETIC SAKE OF THE MISTLETOE, Merlin, we've already discussed that numerous times. I think you don't even listen to half the things I say. I have no reason to talk to Addie? I'm friends with Ainsley and she's Ainsley's friend, which doesn't make us friends. Not sure if that train of thought is too complicated for you to follow or not, but I sincerely hope you're still following. Yes, I can tell girls apart. What's the problem? They're both pretty fit.

You study together? Sometimes? And why is that? Why do you study with her in particular and anyone else who even breathes near your table at the library gets glared at? Stop being in denial, you know you'd like to socialize with her. You'd probably like to socialize with her without me there, actually, but that will only happen if you admit to me that you'd like to. Look at your life and look at your choices and then get back to me on this.

Can't wait to see you tomorrow, even if you are consistently rude to me!

Caleb

[Julian Delaire]

Tragic. I am overwhelmed with sadness. Get over yourself.

Me? Tone down the snark? Blackwood, have you even met me? Is our friendship even real? Dominic is really a big teddy bear inside, and you know it. I can totally intimidate him. But fine, whatever, I guess there was a reason you weren't put in Gryffindor.

Mate, come on, are you blind? Yes, there are, and no, I'm not telling you their names. Find out yourself. Also, there is nothing poetic about mistletoe. It's a stupid fucking plant. I definitely do not pay attention to anything you say, ever. I thought you knew that.

You know what, fine. Don't talk to the girl of your dreams. But you're not allowed to come complaining to me when she doesn't give you a second glance again this year. Please also never use the word "fit" when referring to the girls we have to see everyday for nine months, thanks.

Yes. Sometimes. Not always, Christ. She's a good study partner, and she's quiet and doesn't bother me or try to make conversation when I'm not in the mood, so. That's why. I have no idea what you're trying to imply, but stop using the word socialize as an innuendo. My life choices are much better than yours, mate, at least I don't have a crush on a girl who won't give me the time of day. The only one in denial here is you, sorry to break it to you.

Yeah, I'm incredibly excited.

Julian

[Caleb Blackwood]

You should be overwhelmed. You should be ashamed of yourself, actually.

Still, tone it down, for the sake of our friendship, at least. Or else I might have to find a new best friend - the threat is real, don't take it lightly. Dominic is not! He's tough and you know, tough. Definitely not teddy bear material. He always has stubble. How many teddy bears do you know that grow stubble? That's right, none. I could be a Gryffindor if I really tried. Ainsley would help me out. She's the self-proclaimed least-typical-Gryffindor in Gryffindor house. We'd be brilliant together.

I will convince you to tell me their names. It will happen eventually. And wow, don't make fun of the mistletoe! You're just frustrated because you've never kissed anyone under one. I'm very displeased with you, friend. You're breaking my heart.

She is not the girl of my dreams. Can you please stop being dumb about this? My type are brunettes and occasionally blondes, not redheads. The texture of her hair doesn't even make sense to me. It just sort of flows... Like what is that? I don't understand anything about Addie Beaumont and I don't plan on trying to, thanks. I'll use the word "fit" if I want to use it. We both know that you think the same thing about them, the only difference is that I come out and say it. You're welcome for that, too. You owe me so much.

Oh, I'm sure she's a good study partner. That doesn't explain why you talk to her when you see her in the corridors or why you chose the seat next to her in Arithmancy last year (yes, she told me about that - you can't hide anything from me, so don't even try next time). I'll never stop using "socialize" as an innuendo. Never. I'm not in denial, I promise. I'm not the one who has a crush on a girl who most likely has a crush on him back but still won't do anything about it. Your life is a joke, mate.

Me too. Maybe we'll socialize.

Caleb

[Julian Delaire]

Consider me thoroughly ashamed. Except not really. Sorry.

Forgive me if I'm not overly concerned with the hypothetical dissolution of our five-year friendship. You've made that threat at least seven times since we met. Stop trying to preserve your brother's reputation, everyone knows he's a big softie underneath. Even he knows it. You and Ainsley Are you guys Fine, go be brilliant with Ainsley in Gryffindor, see if I care.

You've never convinced me to do anything I don't want to do, mate. Why would I even want to kiss someone under the mistletoe? What a cheap way of getting a kiss. I'd ask who I would even kiss, too, but I'm not giving you that opening.

I'm being dumb? Caleb. Please. You so don't like blonde girls, don't even go there. Brunettes, maybe is this about Ainsley but given how you're going on about the texture of Addie's hair, I'm inclined to believe otherwise. God, you're so smitten, it's ridiculous. Look, I can't say I understand Addie Beaumont, either, but come on. You totally want to. Don't lie to me. I don't think anyone is fit, for god's sake. They're pretty, sure. Some of them. A few of them.

Jesus fuck, come on, we're friendly, it's not a big fucking deal. I wasn't trying to hide anything from you, I just don't think it's very important who I sit next to in Arithmancy! Also, if you're trying to tell me Ainsley Rickett has a crush on me, you're going to have to try harder, because I'm not buying it. And I definitely don't have a crush on her. Where do you even get these crazy ideas? Don't answer that.

I'm going to tell my mother you want to fuck me.

Julian

[Caleb Blackwood]

You're a terrible friend and I greatly dislike you. I hope you're happy with yourself.

Hypothetical dissolution? I'm not Ainsley, mate, you're not going to impress me with your vocabulary. I'd advise you to stop trying. Also, I'm going to casually point out that you've kept track of the number of times I've made this threat. That must count for something. You must somewhat care. My brother is better than you, end of story. I'm getting tired of you putting him down for no reason. I will, thanks. Gryffindor girls do it better, let me tell you.

I will convince you this time. You won't be such an arse to me if Ainsley's around, so I look forward to the three of us hanging out. Too late, you've already given me an opening. I can think of a few people. Or one person. But you're just too damn stubborn and proud to admit it. It's your loss, really.

So what? I like blonde guys. And brunette girls. It's a nice balance, you know? Just kidding, I wouldn't expect you to know, Mr. Never-Been-Kissed-And-Pretends-To-Not-Care-About-It. You're honestly missing out on so much, and I feel terrible on your behalf. The texture of Addie's hair puzzles me, that's all there is to it. There's no underlying meaning here, genius, so shut up. Tomorrow when I come over I'm going to ask you to look me straight in the eye and tell me, in a clear and unwavering voice, that you don't think Ainsley Rickett is fit. I have more than enough faith that you won't be able to do it.

Pulling out the f-word eloquently as ever, and twice, I see how it is. I'm going to say something now that I'm only saying because you're my friend and I truly want you to be happy: you're a fucking trainwreck. You're not buying it because you're trying to convince yourself that it's not a big deal, but it is. I will prove to you that she fancies you, just you wait. You don't have a crush on her? Ha. No comment. I repeat: no comment.

I was going to suggest you do that, actually, as I'd like this to be an open and honest thing. I trust that your mother will understand.

Caleb

[Julian Delaire]

Sorry, I had to ignore you for a day or so because you're ridiculous.

Actually, I'm not sorry. Ignoring you yesterday was the best decision I ever made. Ask me why.

Julian

P.S. I'm not replying to your letter because half of your stupidity is outdated now.

[Julian Delaire]

Also, I'm going to have to cancel our lunch plans. Something came up. And you were late anyway. Maybe another time?

Julian

[Caleb Blackwood]

Okay, seriously, what is it? You're lame as fuck so I can't think of any decent reason you'd have to completely ignore me for a day. Spill.

Oh, really? Our lunch plans are sacred, mate, you wouldn't cancel on them unless it was something drastic. But lucky for you I can make an educated guess as to what might have come up that made you cancel. Ask me what it is.

Caleb

P.S. My letter did not contain any stupidity whatsoever, and even if it did, what do you mean it's outdated?

[Julian Delaire]

1) Nothing about our friendship is sacred. But fine, what exactly is your extremely intelligent, I'm sure, hypothesis on why I cancelled? Pray tell.

2) So I went over to Astraia's that day.

Julian

P.S. it's outdated because now I've had sex.

[Caleb Blackwood]

Well, you're a little shit and just let it slip that I was late, which you wouldn't have known unless you showed up to the Tamarisk in the first place, so now I know that you did show up and something made you leave. And guess what? It was such a coincidence, I ran into Ainsley there! I couldn't believe it either. Sidenote: she was definitely flirting with a guy named Leo. Somehow I think that doesn't make any difference to you whatsover, but I figured I'd mention it.

Oh, wow, lovely. You got a tour of the Yaxley mansion. So interesting.

Caleb

P.S. I don't believe you. It takes ten seconds for anyone to write 'now I've had sex,' mate, and that doesn't mean they're telling the truth.

[Julian Delaire]

You're always late. Yes, I did show up, but I had to leave before you got there. I definitely did not say that what came up had anything to do with Ainsley. Because it didn't. At all. Why would I care about some guy named Leo? Did Ainsley Does she like How were they Is he Was she

More like a tour of her bed. You don't have to believe me for it to be true. Why don't you owl Astraia and ask? She has no reason to lie to you. I'll even take Veritaserum if you want me to.

Julian