Lorcan

[Roxanne Weasley]

Hey lover boy, 

How much work are you actually getting down at Aunt Libs café? Or are you still screwing on her table tops? Just so you know, I'm pretty sure Lee and Libby have gotten it on in the café too, so you're following in some great footsteps there. 

Also, are you using protection? Are you being safe? Remember, safety comes first. Don't be silly, wrap your willy! 

I've sent you some condoms just in case. Oh and next time, don't fall off any tables! 

xoxo,
Rox

[Lorcan Scamander]

Roxanne,

Am I supposed to come up with a clever nickname, too? Because I think that 'lover girl' might be really appropriate for you, considering what I've heard about your flat lately. And also we'd have matching nicknames!

In response to the totally excruciatingly embarrassing contents of the rest of this message: Lots of work, no well not on the tables at least, that's horrifying I'm never going to be able to look my boss in the face again though that's been difficult anyway since Ricky, yes, I do, and yes, I am - though why do you feel the need to rhyme about condom use I don't understand, since I think every sentence in this letter is seared into my memory - and thank you.

I appreciate you thinking of me instead of your boyfriend when you saw these condoms - actually, no, I don't. I think this is kind of a horrifying line of thought, too.

Never getting on a table again,
Lorcan

[Roxanne Weasley]

Lover boy or should I say Table Top Lover?

Ricky's regaled you with falsities, then, love. Scorpius and I haven't quite christened my room yet. I'm planning on breaking my bed though. Any tips? Though I don't think falling off tables counts as breaking furniture so much as breaking your own arse.

Do you really look Aunt Lib in the face though? She's a pretty sexy woman, and you've shagged her daughter. Don't lie. I won't tell Lee. Just don't stare my mother down and we've got a deal. You're welcome; it's cute though, you're an undercover kink boy.

Oh, don't worry Scorpius and I have a fair share of condoms left! No need to worry there. But the ones I gave you Aunt Lib actually sent me; they're apparently blue-berry flavoured. Thank Aunt Lib.

I'm sure you won't. I'll keep checking with Ricky though.

Feel free to let me know how those condoms taste. I may use some one day.

xoxoxox,
Roxie

[Lorcan Scamander]

Roxanne, or as you've informed me, Non-Lover (sorry is that mean?)

That's wonderful news, I'm so glad you've decided to give me up to date information about your sex life. I can't imagine what Ricky was on about then - think she was getting your room and Dominique's confused? (is it weird that i'm afraid to use a nickname for Dominique in writing in case she finds and kills me because I don't know her well enough to use a nickname - never mind, I just re-read that, it is absolutely weird. Dom. Dom. Dom. Okay.)

You've caught me. I can't look her in the eyes in case she figures it out from my face, and then my next association with a table will be when she dismembers me on one. Oh never mind, you meant the even more awful do I look at her with sexual intentions, which I don't, Roxanne. You've now doubled my concerns about looking at her. Libby's going to think I've developed severe neck problems.

You're sending me condoms that Libby sent you? I'm a little worried now, Non-Lover, are you trying to get me embroiled in an adulterous love affair? Perhaps you'd be better off setting me up with a nice boy so I can give you legitimate information about how those condoms taste? Otherwise, figuring out what they taste like is goign to take much more flexibility than I actually have, so.

Feel free to never tell me if you use those condoms,
Lorcan

[Roxanne Weasley]

I dunnor, non lover? Feel free to owl my boyfriend and ask him if the name fits. I like to think I'm a pretty good lover. I mean, it was awkward at first, but you know all about that. Plopping down on tables, falling off of them. Interesting spot for a first time, I must say. You're quite the exhibitionist. I should have known, what with you being creature boy and all.

Call Dom whatever you feel won't get you killed. Also, I haven't given you up to date information yet, would you like me to? I'm not Ricky so I won't share all the details, but I'd be willing to share some. You still didn't answer my question about bed breaking, though. Tsk tsk.

So you're solving your concern with staring at her by deciding to stare at her more? You're really checking out my Aunt's arse, aren't you? You're not one of those pervs that wonders what mother and daughter would be like, are you?

So what you're saying is that you've considered an adulterous love affair with a woman that is practically my aunt? Lorcan! I'm ashamed.

You want me to find a nice boy for you to take out and suck off? I think I could do that. Do you know what a skywriter is?

Well, to be fair you could do that to yourself if you removed your two lower ribs, then I wouldn't have to find you a boy toy. Just saying.

Oh, but you'll be the first person I tell; we're sharing buddies now!

Roxie

[Lorcan Scamander]

Well, I think he might misconstrue that a little. I mean, I'm not on good enough terms with him that I can just ask about his sex life; you, on the other hand.

We may be a bit confused on the meaning of exhibitionist, there. The only term I can think of that would justify "creature boy" (where is that even from?) is bestiality, which is awfully rude to Ricky.

What do you mean "all the details" Is Ricky next to you right now? Tell her to ignore the owl I just sent if so, I'm going to yell at her right now. RICKY JORDAN YOU ARE BESMIRCHING MY NOT ENTIRELY VIRGINAL REPUTATION I AM NOT PLEASED.

I've never broken a bed, Roxanne, or a table, or any kind of furniture. Some mugs, though if you're planning to use mugs during sex, I'm honestly completely out to sea as far as advice goes.

Your musings about my apparently filthy intentions around your aunt are getting worse, I have no idea why I ever thought you were one of the nicer Weasleys. I expect it was the Ravenclaw-ness that threw me off - I think I'll restrict all my interactions to Lily from now on, it's clear she is the only decent Weasley I know.

You mean those airplane things that write words in the sk DON'T YOU DARE, ROXANNE WHATEVER YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS WEASLEY. I mean it!

Yes, I'm so committed to bettering your sex life that I'm going to go remove my ribs. And I wouldn't mind a boy toy, stop trying to make me mutilate myself.

I am a sharing buddy under duress, I'm going to toss your next owl right into the fire.
Lorcan

[Roxanne Weasley]

Don't you boys have some type of club where you exchange these sordid details? Where you scratch yourselves and pat yourselves on the back for conquering the female form and all?

Lorcan, are you calling Ricky a beast? I mean, she's clearly wild in bed, but a beast? Merlin, you can't equate doing my best friend to bestiality, that is an insult! Lover boy, nature boy, creature boy - they all fit you.

So you've used mugs during sex? Interesting object. Do you like stop mid-stroke and pour a mug of tea then? Like you're going at it very intense and then just shout PAUSE, TEA TIME?

You can't call me mean and expect that'll just ignore the fact that you're clearly having impure thoughts about my almost Aunt. She'd find that amusing though. Do you have these thoughts about Lee, too?

Angelina, my middle name is Angelina - after my mum, and I'm looking at prices now. Uncle Harry already said he'd give me some muggle money to do it; I'm thinking of going with "table top lover seeks adonis for a romp in a café, must be open to semi public sex" Sound good? I'm usually better with words, but I want to get this up asap.

Woah, removing your ribs won't better my sex life, but it'll give you an interesting trick to show off at parties.

I'll let you know when the responses come in to your ad.

No you won't. You love me.

xoxox

Roxie

[Lorcan Scamander]

What in the world are you talking about? Unless you're talking about some sort of sculptors' society where they specialize in statues of women? Or maybe a romance novel heroes anonymous meeting where everyone speaks in flowery prose?

No, not intentionally, though you have my permission to tell her she's perfectly awful (don't tell her that, I don't want her to be upset. she's perfectly lovely).

For the second time: I have only broken mugs, never used them as a sexual aid, I wouldn't even know how to begin. Stop twisting my words, you're spending too much time with Scorpius.

I have never had dirty thoughts about your aunt, and also none of your business about anyone else!

You had better be joking. If anyone actually turns up, I will probably panic and run away, offend them terribly, and give them some sort of inferiority complex about how they look.

I am really starting to doubt that,

Lorcan

[Roxanne Weasley]

I keep forgetting you Scamanders aren't the normal machoman type. But by all means, if you want to sing in flowery prose and sculpt something, go for it. You should throw some frolicking in there, too.

So you shag her then equate her shagging to bestiality, and then you call her awful. You're just two for two, I can't wait until she find out about that.
How to begin sex or using a mug? Because according to Ricky you know how to have sex. I spend a lot of time with Scorpius, under him, on top of him, walking next to him, etc. Lots of time twisting with him.

So you've had dirty thoughts about someone at my aunts shop then? Will or Lee? Since you've already done Ricky.

Don't worry Lorcan, i'll let them know before hand that you're an awkward turtle so that none of that happens. And boom. Before you know it, you'll be sucking each other off. Though if you want an even easier boy toy - and if you suck each other off, you can keep that to yourself, Louis is open. I don't know if you're his type though. And all of us Weasleys are mental, after all . . .

I doubt that you're doubting it, you're just slightly embarrassed, don't be. Sex is natural, and our discussion of it is right.

xoxoxo
Rox

[Lorcan Scamander]

Aren't we talking about about Scorpius and I? I... I'm trying to imagine Lysander frolicking and sculpting, you may have broken my brain.

I also called her lovely and she is. I like her much better than I like you right now, you be sure to tell her that as well.

Mug. If you hadn't broken my brain earlier, this bit definitely did it, I have the most horrible images.

NEITHER OF RICKY'S PARENTS. For Merlin's sake. And Will's ... Will-ish, I don't know him very well. And I haven't done Ricky, we had very nice sex until I got stuck in my trousers and fell off the table.

Please stop soliciting sex for your cousins, I really did not think prostituting your extended family was the career you were aiming for. Also, I'm perfectly capable of handling my own sexual needs, and just ask Devyn O Ricky.

I don't know about the other Weasleys, but you are completely mental
Lorcan

[Roxanne Weasley]

You broke your brain all on your own, lover boy.

Are you saying that I'm not lovely? I'm honestly hurting here, Lorcan. I can't believe you. I thought we were friends. I've known you forever and you say something like that. Merlin, i'm utterly heart broken.

Horrible images? So me, in the throes of passion and thoroughly enjoying my sexuality horrifies you? Is this your not so subtle way of telling me that I resemble a two-headed centaur. Thanks for the confidence boost in the looks department.

very nice sex until I got stuck in my trousers and fell off the table

why were you have sex with your trousers on? or was it in that much heat of the moment?

I was soliciting sex for you, not Louis, and you've already explained that you can handle your own sexual needs; isn't this the rib removal thing?

Oh and now i'm mental. I'm horrendous looking and mental.

Thanks so much Lorcan. Really give a girl a confidence shot.

All i was trying to do was have a conversation. Merlin, you're so sweet.

-Roxanne

[Lorcan Scamander]

All right, fair enough, lover girl.

No, of course not, Roxanne. You are perfectly stunning, but I'm afraid your boyfriend looks like a two-headed centaur, and imagining a centaur with two heads in, what was it, the throes of passion gives me a headache.

I wasn't - two separate incidents separated by time and also some sex, okay? At least, that's how I remember it, but by all means, if you'd prefer 'in the heat of the moment' sort of things, go right ahead.

Well, stop, I'm at least marginally confident it's not entirely legal. And, oh, this is nice, are you still expecting me to take out my ribs on your suggestion? Considering some of your other ones have involved me sucking off your cousin and having sex using mugs, I'd rather not, thanks.

No, Roxanne, you're heartbreakingly beautiful, and mental. Completely mental.

I can't think of a cleverer sign off so,
Lorcan

(are you really upset? you didn't give me any xo's. Except the ox in your name. Have you ever considered signing your letters Roxoxoxo? It might save some space, too.)

[Roxanne Weasley]

I thought you were burning my next owl?

ooc: she's trying to make him think that she's upset now. Poor Lorcan

[Lorcan Scamander]

I could burn the last couple, if that's what you want?

(Still no xo's? I'm really beginning to be worried, Roxanne)

[Roxanne Weasley]

Go away plonker. I'm hideous, remember.