dark side of the sun : [ JADE ]

[Brianna McLaggen]

Brianna sat on the edge of the cream coloured couch, not taking any pleasure from the softness and comfort that the piece of furniture attempted to provide. Her blue eyes intensely gazed at the clock above the fireplace, following every tick the second hand made as she counted down the minutes to two o'clock. Her fingers were intertwined together, fiddling occasionally to crack her knuckles, but mostly just staying frozen as she rested her elbows on her knees. This was hardly a lady-like way of sitting, but she really couldn't care less.

"Mrs Stepper?" she called to the housekeeper. The bustling little old lady with the sympathetic smile emerged from the hallway. At the sight of her, Brianna asked, "Could you please ready tea?"

As the lady bustled off in the direction of the kitchen, the stiff blonde expelled a gust of breath, eyes immediately flicking back to the clock. It would be two p.m. in approximately half a minute, by the looks of things. She stood up, dusted the skirt of her light blue summer dress, and fiddled nervously with its short sleeves. She exhaled again, nerves steadily climbing as the seconds ticked closer. As the second hand passed 12 and the clock let out a short ding, Brianna began to pace.

Jade would show up, wouldn't she? Sure, they'd never really properly met, or had a decent conversation. And of course, Brianna had single-handedly destroyed her little brother's life a year ago. Jade owed her absolutely nothing, which was why Brianna was currently working herself up to be a nervous wreck as she began to walk circles around on the soft cream rug that was as ignored as the previously occupied couch.

"Auntie," she cried out, jumpy and twitchy and feeling completely out of control. "She might be here any time soon."

[Jade Pereira]

Jade had no idea why she was even doing this.

She didn't know Brianna McLaggen personally, she had never even met the girl, she didn't know what she looked like. And yet, Brianna had changed so much in Neil's life in such a short timespan. For a short time, it looked like he had been completely infatuated with the girl, and then she got pregnant, and everything went haywire. Jade knew it must have been a horrible time for the girl, too, but really, she'd hurt Neil almost beyond repair, and she didn't think she could have forgiven her for that. And yet, here she was, outside the house where Brianna had told her to meet her.

When she got the owl from Brianna, she had been sorely tempted to write back an angry letter asking her how she thought she had the right to ask her for help after leaving her brother so devastated. But honestly, the girl had seemed genuinely upset and sounded like she needed help. And Jade had always wanted to help people. It was a weakness of hers; she was far too much of a pushover. She had to work on that, she thought vaguely as she made her way up to the front door of the house and rang the doorbell.

She smiled politely at the old lady who opened the door, and followed her down a corridor. As she was doing this, she checked her watch. 2:02. Well, at least I'm on time. Luckily, she never really returned home for her lunch break, so at least she didn't need to give Neil any account of her activities; she supposed Brianna didn't want him to know of this meeting. Obviously. Why would she? After what seemed like a long time, but really wasn't, the corridor ended and she was being ushered into a living room, where a blonde girl was pacing the hall.

The sight of Brianna made her feel something strange; a mixture of intense anger and pity. She was sure Brianna didn't want or need either of those things. At least not at the moment, anyway. She opened her mouth to speak, but the words caught in her throat. How could she open this conversation? She tried her best to rearrange her features into a smile, which came out rather forced. "Brianna," was all she finally said, looking at the girl properly for the first time.

[Brianna McLaggen]

A whimper escaped from Brianna's mouth, and she jumped as she heard the doorbell ring. But she couldn't step forward, frozen to her spot on the floor as her nerves got the better of her. What would Jade think of her? Of the house? Was she right to invite Jade here? Was she right to invite Jade at all? What would she think of everything? Would she get angry, upset, happy? Would she help? Would she just walk straight back out the front door after giving Brianna a piece of her mind, then demanding that Brianna leave her and her brother alone? Oh Merlin.

Her thoughts whirled around her like a tornado, tearing her apart inside while her eyes stayed fixed on the entry to the corridor that led to the front door. When she finally noticed Mrs Stepper smiling gently at her as she passed by, heading for the door, Brianna finally snapped out of her stupor and began pacing again. How was she supposed to greet Jade, like a friend? Should she not hug her or should she shake her hand or what? What was proper etiquette for meeting the sister of the ex-boyfriend who you'd told that you killed his baby?

She shook her head slightly; her thoughts were not making sense any more. She froze again like a deer caught in the headlights when she spotted the guest following the housekeeper. For a moment, they just stood staring at each other, speechless, but probably for different reasons. Was Jade not talking because she didn't know which insult to throw first? The smile that finally appeared on her face looked painful - was she going to be polite before attacking Brianna?

The sound of her name thawed Brianna a little. "Jade," she whispered, her eyes studying the face of the woman in front of her. She looked a lot like Neil, just more feminine. Brianna could scarcely believe that Jade had actually come. She cleared her throat. "Uh, welcome. Nice to meet you. Would you, uh... like a seat?"

She gestured to the other cream coloured sofa, before retreating a little to allow the older woman space to walk over to the offered couch.

[Jade Pereira]

Honestly, Jade had no idea how to react when she saw Brianna. Every part of her was screaming at her to yell, or to turn and leave, and she was thinking that in retrospect, this have may been a bad decision. Even if Brianna genuinely did need her help, what would she have needed it for? She had no ties to her or her brother anymore, did she? Except if... She pushed away that thought. It definitely wasn't possible that that could happen, she thought. If it did, then Brianna would have told Neil about it, for sure.

She nodded at Brianna's greeting, walking over to the sofa and sitting down on it almost gingerly, as if afraid of hurting it. The atmosphere in the room was tense; so tense that you could cut it with a knife, Jade thought. After a moment, she said to the younger girl, "Won't you sit down, too?" After all, she was pretty sure Brianna wasn't planning to spend this entire meeting standing. She looked at the girl's face again, and some of her fury dissipated. Brianna just looked so... worn-out. She couldn't possibly shout at her now, even if she desperately wanted to. It would just be cruel. If it was Neil in her place, he would have simply yelled at the girl. Hell, maybe he wouldn't even have come here. But she wasn't Neil, was she?

She attempted to make her smile slightly warmer, in an effort to make Brianna less uncomfortable. But then, she wasn't sure that the tension in the room would ease even a little at that. Well, no harm in trying, she thought, her smile finally feeling genuine to her. "So... Brianna," she said after a few more moments of silence. "Uh.. you said you had something to tell me?" Honestly, she had her doubts that Brianna would actually want to tell her whatever it was. But then, she was the one who had called her here, right? Pushing her thoughts away, she waited for the younger girl to answer her.

[Brianna McLaggen]

If all the blood wasn't draining from her face in her nervousness, Brianna would have blushed at Jade's first question. Of course she was supposed to sit, too. She'd completely blanked on that because she could scarcely believe that Jade was actually here, at her aunt's house. Sure, the way Jade sat on the couch didn't exactly show that she was comfortable being here, but still she had come. And for that, Brianna was eternally grateful. Once she gather her wits and sat down on the couch, of course.

"Oh, yes," the blonde agreed distractedly, checking to make sure the furniture was actually behind her at a good distance so that if she couldn't possibly miss it when she sat. How humiliating that would be if she did. She awkwardly lowered herself to her seat, and mumbled, "Sorry."

She delicately crossed her legs and rested her elbows on them. Her fingers needed to fidget, and Brianna figured they might as well fidget with each other. She didn't want to trail her sweaty palms all over her aunt's finest furniture in the house. She stared at her fingers, gathering her thoughts on how to answer Jade's second, and bigger, question. She noticed a slight dip in the profile of her left forefinger's nail, and she worried at it absentmindedly.

"I need your help."

Looking up determinedly, Brianna gathered all her courage and forced out the words. "I've been meaning to tell you or someone for a while now..." She gulped. This was so hard. She didn't know what to say, didn't know where to start, didn't know how to explain without breaking down. "The thing is, Jade... I've been sick."

That was as good a start as any. Brianna paused to take a breath and then exhale as Mrs Stepper came in briefly to set down the tray of tea, scones, and sandwiches, before heading back out of the living room. She decided to buy herself some time, just a moment to gather her thoughts. And also so that she had somewhere to look at or something to fiddle with (other than her fingers) later when the conversation became harder to deal with. "Pardon me, where are my manners - would you like some tea?"

[Jade Pereira]

Had the circumstances been different, Jade would probably have smiled at Brianna's awkward behaviour. She knew what it was like to space out sometimes. Though to be fair, Brianna had an excuse. So she just waited for the girl to sit down. She was getting more and more nervous as the minutes ticked by, and the question wouldn't stop ringing in her mind - why had Brianna called her here when they had virtually nothing to do with each other? Quite honestly, there was only one explanation, and Jade really didn't want to believe it. It couldn't be true.

Brianna's next words stoked Jade's interest again. She needed her help? What for? And more importantly, why her? She was sure Brianna had plenty of other friends and relatives that she could have called - why her, the barely known sister of her ex-boyfriend? Wasn't she worried she would tell Neil? Her mind still buzzing with questions, she almost didn't hear what Brianna said after that. She caught the last part of it, though.

Sick? What did she mean, 'sick'? Did she simply mean physically unwell, or was it something more than that? Was she depressed? Had what had happened made her depressed? Oh, god. Jade had only just met the girl, but already she had begun to feel terribly sorry for her. But she knew Brianna wouldn't take kindly to any show of sympathy. So all she said was, "Go on..." She knew that Brianna wouldn't have called her over just because she was sick. There had to be something more to this.

She nodded at Brianna's next question, and said, "Sure." She picked up the cup of tea herself, taking a sip from it, although more out of politeness than any real desire for tea. The girl looked scared as all hell, and Jade figured she might not have been able to tell her immediately, so she was just trying to ease the tension. After taking a few sips, she set it down on the table, unable to have any more. She rested her hands on her knees, waiting for Brianna to go on.

[Brianna McLaggen]

At Jade's encouragement to continue as she picked up a cup of tea, Brianna busied herself with arranging the scones and finger sandwiches so that Jade had easy access to them. She also arranged the milk and sugar closer to the older witch after dumping five tea-spoonfuls of sugar in her tea, not realizing the amount she'd put in. She also arranged the cream and the jam closer to Jade, knowing that she was now just fiddling with the arrangement in a bid to organize her thoughts. It was when Jade finally placed her hands on her knees that Brianna realised the older woman was waiting for her to speak.

Clearing her throat, Brianna opened her mouth and forced some words to come out coherently. She focused on the order of the words, determined to make sense, so that she couldn't focus on what the words were actually saying, and the story they formed. Her thoughts came through her mouth slowly and very deliberately - she wanted to get it off her chest, but she wanted it off without misunderstanding on Jade's part. She needed her help.

"It started when I was pregnant." The younger witch swallowed. Memories sprang up and she forced them all away, concentrating on the present. "There were little things at first. I put it down to stress or hormones. Time would fly me by, sometimes I'd forget which day I was in. I'd miss appointments, hanging out with friends, things I'd scheduled myself for. When I got to Hogwarts, I'd miss classes, or forget what was taught. It wasn't such a big deal. Then the bigger things started happening."

Brianna sighed, reaching forward to use both hands to clutch her teacup on her lap. "At first, it was just people. I noticed people were looking at me, pointing, talking behind their hands, whispering to each other about me. About what'd happened. It got to the point that everyone I saw, every single person, whether I knew them or not, were judging me, knew what'd happened, blamed me for it. Teachers, people at Hogsmeade, everyone. It drove me up the wall. There was no one I could turn to, no one I could trust."

She closed her eyes to hide her tears as the memories of faces, whispers, glares, crowded her mind and suffocated her. " And then, it became things I read. Articles in the Daily Prophet, passages in the textbooks, instructions on the board. The words got changed around - at first, they'd be what they really were, and then they'd change after I blinked. They blamed me, too, those words. They said things about me, about what'd happened. 'You're nothing more than a pathetic little slut', 'Everyone knew you'd get knocked up in school', 'Couldn't keep your fucking legs crossed', 'Everybody fucks sluts, but nobody ever loves them', 'You're a whore, did he pay you good?'." Tears started rolling down her cheeks. "I couldn't escape; everywhere I turned, everywhere I looked, there was always something that hated me."

[Jade Pereira]

Jade listened silently to the first part of Brianna's story, still deep in thought. She didn't see much unusual about it. Pregnancy probably did do funny things to people and make them forget things - not that she knew much about it, but still. She knew this wasn't it, though, so she waited till Brianna spoke again.

The next part of it left her a little confused. Was it that people were really whispering about her behind her back and blaming her for what happened, or was she simply imagining it? Brianna's last sentence hit Jade hard, and her anger against the younger girl began to fade. Yes, she had hurt Neil, but she seemed to have been hurt so much herself. And there was no one she could talk to at that time? "Not even your family?" she asked Brianna, her voice just barely above a whisper. "Didn't they help you?"

When Brianna started crying, Jade almost wanted to put her arm around her. She couldn't say she empathised with the girl - there had never been a situation where there was no one she could turn to, Neil and later Will had always been there for her - but she definitely sympathised, and all her instincts wanted to tell Brianna everything would be okay, even though she didn't know if it would or not. She moved closer to Brianna on the couch, putting a hand on her back in a tentative gesture of sympathy. Keeping a perfectly calm face while all those thoughts swam around in her head, she finally voiced a question she had been wondering about since Brianna had started talking. She wanted to say So, how can I help you? but that would sound absolutely rude and cold. "Have you done any... research on this yet?" she asked a few seconds later. She had no idea what to make of this, or how to help Brianna, though she badly wanted to. "Have you asked anyone about it? Because... I really want to help you, but I don't have the slightest idea what to make of this. I'm really sorry..."

(OOC: sorry for the shortness and crappiness, love! I just didn't really know how to make her react...)

[Brianna McLaggen]

Soft golden wisps of hair fell forward as Brianna shook her head. "I couldn't tell anyone anything," she replied softly, voice bitter. "You don't know my father... For so long, I'd done everything he didn't want me to do. We never agreed on anything, we always fought about the littlest things. He and my sister, they were always on the same side. My mother didn't want to pick sides, but my brother always had my back. But I couldn't tell them anything - I couldn't put that kind of burden on my little brother, and I knew how my father and sister would react. My mother wouldn't have a say in anything."

She closed her eyes, inhaling deeply, trying to compose herself. Her exhale came out in a gust. She never opened her eyes when she continued. "They found out anyway. I went home a week early for Christmas that year, because my... Healer told me to." It wasn't easy admitting that she'd gotten so bad that needed a Healer - it was not only because of the social stigma (no one liked admitting they'd needed hospital care for mental problems), but because Brianna'd always tried to present herself as stronger than that. She swallowed. "I... it got... bad. During those couple of months. I was tired. Just so tired. Everyone was whispering about me, even my own friends, everywhere I went, everything I saw blamed me, attacked me. So I just... stopped. I didn't go anywhere, do anything. I just stayed in bed all day - going to the bathroom was such a chore. I didn't do the homework my best friend tried to get me everyday. I just... didn't do anything. Of course, the teachers noticed and they asked me what was going on. I didn't tell them much. I guess they didn't know what to make of what was wrong with me because they had a Healer Floo'd in from St Mungo's to have a look at me."

A finger softly traced the rim of the teacup resting in her other hand. "She - my Healer - diagnosed me with depression." A tear dropped, narrowly missing the steaming tea and landing instead on the porcelain teacup. It slid slowly down the cup, and Brianna's eyes watched its progress idly, replying to Jade's third question. "She did her research. I told her I was pregnant and she prescribed me potions that wouldn't affect the baby. She couldn't give me a lot because of.. him, of course, but she got me some that would work. And she told me it would be a good idea if I went home early. Which turned out to not quite be the best idea."

---

(( no probs, darling! jade seems to not know how to react, which is very probably in this case ))

[Jade Pereira]

Jade nodded as Brianna told her about how she didn't get along with her father. She knew what it was like to be estranged from a parent; she hadn't spoken to her father in years, and despite writing regularly to her mother, she never got a reply. She wanted Brianna to tell her more about her family - maybe it would be a way for them to find common ground - but she knew that that was probably not something to be brought up then.

As Brianna began to speak again, and she mentioned having a Healer, Jade was surprised. Not too much, because she definitely seemed like she would have needed one, but surprised that she was actually admitting it to Jade. She listened to her quietly as she narrated what had been happening to her, and for a moment a slightly confused look appeared on her face. Was Brianna talking about her sixth year or seventh year? But she quickly understood that Brianna did indeed mean sixth year, while she was still pregnant, and let her go on with her story. "Oh," was all she could say once Brianna was done. She really didn't know how to react; she had been through some tough times, but it had never got as bad for her as it had for Brianna.

"Why was it a bad decision?" she asked as Brianna mentioned leaving school early. Had her family reacted badly again? Merlin, if that really had happened, that was terrible. She suddenly remembered Neil telling her that Brianna had disappeared towards the middle of sixth year, and the question was almost on her lips, but she bit it back because now was not the time to ask it; Brianna would probably tell her eventually. "What happened when you went home? Did your father..." she trailed off. She didn't quite know how she meant that sentence to end.

[Brianna McLaggen]

Brianna had to remind herself that her father was no longer around her. She could tell anyone - especially someone like Jade, who she felt to be understanding - about any aspect of her family life, as much as she wanted to divulge. She was, in all respects and purposes, cast away from the family - at least, from the familial home, and her father and sister. Her mother would visit sometimes, but only here, at her aunt's house, and never anywhere else. Penelope only knew that Brianna lived with a male classmate in Muggle London, and disapproved of it; Penelope had no idea about Matteo or his brothers or anything about Brianna's life now. Brianna's relationship with her brother was tenuous at the moment, too. He'd never explicitly blamed her, but Brianna's mental problems had caused her for a long time to believe that Bronson hated her, too, and she was rather slow in rebuilding that bridge; Bronson shouldn't have to worry about his older sister's problems.

"It was a bad decision because..." Brianna paused to let out a sigh, her eyes flitting quickly to the ceiling, to Jade's concerned eyes, then back to the tea cup. She nodded at Jade's second question. "Yes, my father. My family was informed of my... delicate condition" - her nose scrunched in disgust - "and of course my dear, beloved father understood that to mean that he now had complete liberty to yell as much as he'd like at me. My sister helped, of course, and they both made their distaste of me very clear. They loved that for once, I couldn't yell back, I couldn't fight back, I couldn't do anything to stop them screaming at me. They like hearing the sound of their voices, they do." A bitter chuckle bubbled from her lips, which were set downwards in a frown. "They blamed me, too. My brother was in so much shock, he just... turned away. My mother didn't say much, but in her eyes, I could tell she blamed me, too."

She raised her head to smile thinly at Jade, eyes burning with unshed tears and frustration at the complete lack of family support. "That was the most enjoyable Christmas I'd had, by far," she remarked sarcastically. Her anger blew itself out just as quickly, and she let out another small sigh, this time because she was tired and sad. "My Healer told me that during my sessions with her, I told her that the baby's father had come to visit me a couple of times." This was a delicate subject, because now they were on the topic of Neil, and Brianna didn't exactly know how his sister would receive what Brianna was about to say. She swallowed tightly. "She told me that I was agitated about him. The father. I was agitated because he was saying things to me. I'd said that he'd been angry with me. He'd... he'd said I was pathetic and worthless a-and he didn't give two shits about my baby - his baby - our baby."

The tears dammed in her eyes overflowed, and Brianna fought to keep her composure, even as she felt her body heating up and all the blood rushing to her face. She wiped away the tears, demanding her body to obey her commands and to remain its composure. She was so close to finishing the first part of her story. "My Healer owled my mother, of course, and asked me if I'd had any visitors. My mother said that no one had come in." Another bitter chuckle. Blue eyes fiercely stared at Jade, hoping she understood the severity of the situation. "D'you understand? I went crazy, really crazy, to the point that I'd started to hallucinate. That's how shit everything was."

Brianna desperately wanted Jade to understand how insane, literally and figuratively, that time had been for Brianna, and hopefully to lessen the blame that she knew Jade placed on her for ruining Neil. Brianna needed this closure. She needed it so badly, like a fish needing water. If she could get Jade to understand and sympathise with her, then she could hopefully get Neil to listen, too. And maybe, just maybe, to forgive her, to pardon her, and to let her heal herself. She couldn't always be one hundred percent when she put too much stock in his words, his attitude towards her - because she loved him, yes, but also because she knew she'd hurt him the most. She wanted that hope that he could one day forgive her, let her heal and also heal himself. She needed him to understand.

[Jade Pereira]

Before Jade could stop herself, she was blurting out, "Well, then your father and sister must be idiots of the highest degree." As soon as the words slipped out of her mouth, she mentally face-palmed. Mr. McLaggen and his eldest daughter might have treated Brianna badly, but they were still family. Hell, her mother practically despised her and yet Jade still had the hope that they would reconcile one day; hence all those sent and unsent letters she'd written over the past two years, hoping for some sort of acknowledgement. "Sorry, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be saying that about them," she covered up hastily. "But... Brianna, that's insane. They were yelling at you, knowing your condition? Why?" She sort of hoped this was another of Brianna's hallucinations. She didn't want to believe that a father could treat his daughter so horribly, or that one sister could do the same to another.

As Brianna brought up Neil visiting her, Jade bit her lip in worry. She knew Neil had been in school all those months; he definitely hadn't been to visit Brianna. Hell, he didn't even know where she had been after Christmas, and that had been worrying him to death. She opened her mouth to contradict the girl, but then Brianna began to speak again, and her words hit her hard. Neil didn't care about her? Or their baby? Jade could vouch that he cared. During that time, every owl they'd exchanged was full of concern and despair about Brianna. She almost wanted to shout at the girl for thinking like that, but instead, she settled on talking calmly. "He cared, Bri...anna," she said quietly, tacking on the last part of her name in a rush. She didn't think Brianna would be too happy with her using that nickname; they definitely weren't close enough for that yet. "He cared, so much more than you know. He was worried sick about you, and about.. the baby.."

Brianna began to cry again, and Jade wasn't exactly sure how she could deal with it. She'd become used to dealing with two boys who refused to let out their emotions until pressed really hard, and this was an anomaly for her. She wasn't even sure if she understood Brianna's problems completely. Neil was right, she thought. She was really a child inside; totally immature. She was an idiot. Her hands moved to Brianna again, to try and calm her down, but she was unsure of what exactly to do, so she just let them fall by her sides. But a question had popped up in her mind; a question she'd been wondering about ever since Brianna began her story. "But, Brianna..." she said, still a little hesitant, "when you were at school... why didn't you talk to Neil about this? He told me that... you told him you were pregnant on the train, and then you didn't talk practically at all till you left... why didn't you try to tell him about everything you were going through?" She almost wanted to say you idiot, but Brianna didn't need another person insulting her right now. "He could have helped you." Maybe I could have helped you, too.