Ainsley-Painsley

[Sebastian Nott]

Ainsley-Painsley,

Right, hang on, what's all this about? It's been about two weeks since I've seen you last, and you've not written to me or come and seen me once. What is this? I'm flailing because I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to be doing without my favourite cousin. I'm feeling so unloved right now, too - have you completely forgotten about me? Too good for me now that you're going into sixth year? 

Merlin. You disgust me. 

I hope you haven't found some fancy fellow that you're frolicking around with. I'm supposed to be the number one man in your life. 

Seb x (send me an x back. If you even bother to write back. Who knows? It's obvious you don't even care about me anymore.)

[Ainsley Rickett]

Seb,

Oh, you actually remember that I'm going into sixth year? I wouldn't have suspected that, considering you still haven't dropped the Ainsley-Painsley. I'm not five anymore.

I haven't forgotten about you - I was just about to write to ask Chloe where you've disappeared to. Then I remembered that you're probably busy having the summer of your life, and I just didn't bother. So surprise, there's no fancy fellow. Just me.

Ainsley xx (There's two xx's just so you won't complain.)

[Sebastian Nott]

Sophisticated Cousin of Mine,

You're not five? Could've fooled me, with that attitude. And yes, of course I did. You're my number one girl. I may have double-checked with mum. But I knew before that. Obviously.

Write to Chloe? Over me? Oh, good. I see which twin you prefer. I'm sulking.

I have had a pretty good summer! Lots of shagging to be had. Evidently you can't say the same.

Seb (No x's for you. Not with that amount of sass. Practically dripping off the parchment.)

[Ainsley Rickett]

Dearest Condescending Cousin,

Right, because you're just one huge bundle of maturity yourself, aren't you? I always forget that. Tell Aunt Daphne I say hi, and thank her for confirming my age. Which you obviously knew, since you're so naturally attentive.

You caught me. I totally prefer Chloe over you. It must suck to not be first choice all the time.

I know, it's a tragedy. I guess I'll just live vicariously through your eventful sex life.

Ainsley xxxxxxxxxx

[Sebastian Nott]

Dearest Baby Cousin,

Dude, I'm a Ministry Worker now. I'm mature as fuck. And she says hello back, and tells me to tell you to come over whenever and to send her love, but I told mum you don't love us anymore and you never want to come here again. She's very upset.

You're such a liar.

That sounds sort of weird. Living vicariously through my sex life. Are you into girls? Although I do spoon Lorcan Scamander on occasion, so I suppose that'd be pretty raunchy for you.

Seb (Baaaabe.)

[Ainsley Rickett]

You're infuriating,

Wow, I didn't realize there was a direct correlation between working at the Ministry and being mature. That means I was wrong all along about those pretentious first-year interns. Feeling supremely judgmental right now.

Tell your mum that I didn't say anything of the sort - I'd absolutely adore coming over any time to see her and Uncle Theo and Chloe. They're the best.

I don't think so.

Does it really matter? I don't think I am, though of course you'd be the first person I'd tell.

Lots of love,
Ainsley

[Sebastian Nott]

You're cute,

Wow, I didn't realise you knew so many fancy words. I sort of stopped reading, whoops. And you're only a sixth year. Show some respect for a hard-working Ministry Official. I love being an Official. I feel extra sexy.

They don't even know who you are.

I do.

Aw, really? And you need to stop being so snooty or we'll argue again and I don't want to. When I say you're my favourite I totally mean it. Cross my heart.

Seb

[Ainsley Rickett]

Thank you,

I expected as much. Sometimes I don't know if you read my letters at all, so there's that. And sorry, I really can't respect you when I've seen you in varying degrees of embarrassing yourself over the years. It's a cousin thing.

Nice joke. They all love me more than you love me. You pretty much forget I exist until you need someone to compliment you and make you feel good about yourself.

I'd really appreciate it if you stopped disagreeing with me just for the sake of disagreeing.

I'm only snooty to you, so that should tell you something. You're a terrible influence. Terrible.

Stay classy,
Ainsley

[Sebastian Nott]

You're welcome,

I skim. I have a very active life. Lots to do, you know? But I definitely skim. Me, embarrass myself? Hang on, I thought you thought I was really cool?

You're so wrong on so many levels. I'm thoroughly aware of your existence all the time, it's just a lot of effort to write to people.

I'd really appreciate it if you admitted that I'm your favourite cousin?

Aha! Speaking of terrible influences. Chloe and I are having a party. Be there or be square. Lots of alcohol and hopefully sex. You can bring a friend. As long as it isn't the sarky one with the attitude. She doesn't seem to fancy me? Bring someone who fancies me.

Always do,
Seb

[Ainsley Rickett]

That’s so enlightening. I tend to forget that you’re the only person in the world that could possibly be busy. Huge shame. When did I ever say that I thought you were cool?

Well, you should write more often.

I would, but I’m not fond of lying. Sorry, you just aren’t my favorite cousin.

Oh, when’s the party? I’m assuming it’s for your birthday, since that's coming up. I’ll have to come see Chloe soon and ask her what she’d like for her birthday. Well, let’s compromise - I could (and I will) bring the one with the attitude, but I’ll also bring one that will likely flirt back with you. Me bringing two friends isn’t going to make much of a difference considering how many people I’m sure you’ve already invited. So deal?

I highly doubt that,
Ainsley

[Sebastian Nott]

That makes sense. After all, I'm the only person who matters. And you say I'm cool all the time?

Well, I'm writing right now.

We both know that's a huge, huge lie. I'll uninvite you. Say I'm your favourite.

Eh. I can't remember the exact date. Ask Chloe, she's bound to know. Also, what about me? What are you getting me? Ask me what I want. And I don't like this compromise. The one with the attitude is stressful. She stresses me out.

You're mean,
Seb

[Ainsley Rickett]

Oh, of course. I tend to forget about that, too. And no, I don't?

Well, I'm not going to give you a medal or anything for writing to me since it's just something you should naturally do.

You can't uninvite me, because Chloe'll invite me anyway. Many apologies that you haven't got the upper hand here.

I dunno, I haven't thought at all about what I'm getting you yet. I suppose I could get you something. What do you want? Also, she stresses you out because you always decide it's a good idea to flirt with her even though time and time again she's expressed her obvious lack of interest. Anyone would get irritated by that.

You're meaner,
Ainsley

[Sebastian Nott]

You're so forgetful. It's kind of adorable. Yes you do?

Er, you should. Medals are what I am wanting. Give me all of the medals. I'm a busy young man.

Chloe's my twin, and therefore will side with anyone who doesn't adore me the correct amount. You lose.

This is awful. I'm such a generous person and I'm being repaid with being an afterthought. Why are you so cold? And I thought she was playing hard to get. Obviously. Anyone would get irritated by your face.

You're gross,
Seb

[Ainsley Rickett]

Well then, I must have forgotten that I've called you cool before. Or it's the more plausible answer, which is simply that it's never happened.

Sorry, I just said that I'm not going to give you any medals. Tough luck.

I'm continually surprised by your blatant disregard of the fact that Chloe can be your twin but still have opinions that contrast yours. You're just putting words into her mouth. I'll talk to her myself.

You should be happy with the afterthought, because that's all you're going to get unless you tell me what you actually want for your birthday. Please make it something reasonable that I can actually purchase for you. I repeat: reasonable. And no, she's never playing hard to get, so don't ever make the mistake of thinking that she is. People do get irritated by your face, by the way.

Not as gross as you,
Ainsley

[Sebastian Nott]

Darling, how long have we known each other by now? Sixteen years, is it? In those long sixteen years I'm sure you've called me cool at least once. And now that you're a teenager you're not saying it aloud, but I know you're thinking it. You think I'm the coolest. Secretly.

First off, that's rude, second off, I really ought to have a medal. More than one, actually. Best Cousin Award, Best Hair Award, Best One Night Stand Award, Best Brother Award - the list is positively endless.

I'm continually surprised by your blatant disregard of the fact that Chloe positively adores me.

A stripper? A stripper cake. Or a car, maybe. Not that I can drive, but I want one anyways. And maybe a new suit. An expensive new suit. If it's cheap or tacky I'll chuck you out. And alright, alright, I've got it. Miss Attitude is not playing hard to get, she's just being uppity and aloof. Jesus, did you have to pick such a grump for a best mate? And no. No they do not.

You're pretty (I'm trying to charm you now because I want a new suit),
Seb