fumbling through the grey [julian]

[Julian Delaire]

His pulse was racing at a speed that was entirely unhealthy, he was pretty sure, as he stood there and tried to get his breathing under control. What did he just do? What part of him thought it would be a good idea to just fucking lean over and shotgun her? Was he insane? She wasn't Caleb, wasn't even close, she was miles prettier and she was here and and wow he had almost kissed her.

She looked so dazed when he stepped back, he had another surge of guilt for just throwing that at her. Seriously, what was he thinking? But when she spoke, her voice, though stumbling (in a really cute way, he had to admit), didn't seem upset at all. In fact, she -- oh. She wanted to do it again. Julian blinked a little uncertainly at her. This was so insanely different from Caleb, he wasn't even sure where to go from here.

"Sure," he said, his voice absurdly raspy. Flushing red and coughing to clear his throat, he tried again, "Yeah, I mean, if you want. If you liked it. I - " Frustratedly, he shook his head to clear it as much as he could and decided to just go for it, lifting his cigarette up and taking another drag. This time, his attention was focused on her still-parted lips and the way she was watching him instead of the smoke. God, was he really doing this? What was this, anyway?

He didn't have much time to think about this, though. More gently this time, he leaned over and almost pressed his lips against her, though he was careful to keep a breath of space in between as he blew the smoke into her mouth. This time, too, she seemed more ready for him, naturally, and he found himself wishing he was brave enough to actually close the space between their mouths. But he wasn't the Gryffindor here, and there was something insanely sensual about doing this with Ainsley, and he couldn't bring himself to break the fragile tension hovering between them just yet.

[Ainsley Rickett]

Ainsley could hear her heartbeat still drumming frantically in her own ears, realizing it was going to be more than difficult to hide how much she wanted him after this, because the thought of what had just transpired between them was playing on repeat in her mind and if he agreed to do it again she was determined that she was going to kiss him. Yet when he leaned over again, she was distracted by what they were sharing without their lips even touching at all - air and smoke and a tension so apparent that she was afraid that her knees would give out with it and she might just fall to the ground, but she somehow managed to remain firmly standing and inhaled the drag he exhaled into her mouth, almost feeling like she wasn’t even breathing.

Hyperaware of their proximity again, she lifted her arms up without thinking, lightly placing one hand on his neck and the other on his shoulder, fingers just barely brushing his skin, as if she believed that touching him properly would result in her getting burned. Then it was over again, too quickly for her to have closed the tiny distance between their lips, though this time it was not because he pulled back, but because she heard his mother’s voice call out from inside the house, as they’d left the door open on their way out, and she was asking whether they wanted to eat lunch inside or outside, considering it was a nicer day than usual.

Ainsley coughed, partly due to this being her first time having purposely inhaled smoke, and partly because the interruption had startled her, and she really hoped his mum hadn’t seen them, because that would be beyond flustering. Finally taking a moment to bring herself back to reality, she considered his mum’s question and suddenly came to terms with the fact that apparently she couldn’t win either way, because being outside had led to whatever they’d just did - twice - and now she wanted to kiss him even more than she had when they’d been inside. And he could probably tell, she thought sheepishly, as there was no way her feelings weren’t clearly written all over her face.

She hesitated, eyes still locked with Julian’s and hands still in place, not wanting to move away, but she had to if she didn’t want to seem like an idiot. Stepping back slightly with another cough, now staring at the ground as her hands fell helplessly back at her sides, she mumbled, “I’m - yeah. Should we go back inside?” That was fucking amazing, she wanted to say but of course didn’t say, And I desperately want to kiss you right now, in case that isn’t obvious. She couldn’t recall ever being so attracted to someone before, and that was likely because, well, she never had been. Not like this.

[Julian Delaire]

The way Ainsley was looking at him made it extraordinarily hard for him to breathe. Her hands on his skin did nothing to help the situation, not when he was so close to kissing her in the first place, not when he knew just how easy it would be to close the distance and take her into his arms and actually kiss her. But the last time he'd been this close with a girl, he actually had kissed her, and, well, things could fall apart very quickly after that, Julian knew. He hoped she couldn't see the naked desire in his eyes, even though he was certain it was pretty obvious, even through the cloud of smoke between their faces.

Thankfully, his mother interrupted them before he could do anything stupid like actually pressing his lips to hers, and then her hands were gone, falling back to her side. Julian could still feel the warmth, the burst of tingly electricity where she had touched him, but he was, at least, fairly good at concealing his emotions so he brought his hand up to cover a cough that allowed him to clear his throat of the smoke and then turned to face his mother like everything was fine.

"Yeah, let's go eat lunch," he said nonchalantly, like he hadn't just fucking shotgunned her, wow, he was an idiot, but he managed a grin to try and set her at ease and touched his fingers to her arm. "My mum's a great cook," he added, and set off to go to the kitchen, trying not to relive the memory of her inhaling his smoke over and over again in his mind.

[Ainsley Rickett]

Ainsley opened her mouth to respond, promptly closing it when she realized she couldn’t come up with anything adequate to say on the spot, because when he spoke his tone of voice made it sound like everything was normal. She wondered momentarily if that were true, if it was really nothing to make a big deal about - but then she recalled the way he’d looked at her through the smoke, and that couldn’t have been a completely meaningless look - it was brief, but she’d seen it, and it was something.

“Okay,” was all she said finally, her arm tingling where his fingers brushed across it, and why did he have to do that and smile at her? She coughed again, still tasting smoke in her mouth, which made it even harder to disregard what had just happened between them, though she was going to make a conscious attempt to disregard it because if he could act like it didn’t matter, so could she. Or so she thought, following him inside and to the kitchen until he turned around to glance at her and her gaze immediately fell to his lips. So much for acting casual.

Forcing herself to to move her eyes up to meet his so she wasn’t blatantly staring at his mouth, she asked, “Can I get a glass of water?” It came out a lot more smoothly than she’d expected it to, which was honestly a surprise because she felt like even being in the same room with him now was taking a lot of effort.

[Julian Delaire]

Julian couldn't pretend that noticing Ainsley's gaze on his lips hadn't sent a jolt of nervous, jittery energy through his body, especially given what had just happened out in the garden and how close she had been to his lips out there. But his mother was right there and now was hardly the time to say anything, so he only nodded and brushed past his mother to get her a glass of water while his mum set up the food on the table.

"My mum makes the best mashed potatoes," he murmured in her ear as he walked around her chair to take his own seat. Possibly putting his lips so close to her face again was a mistake, but he liked the way she smelled, sweet but not overwhelmingly so, a little like his mum's favorite gardenias. And he liked being near her. Which was probably a problem.

His mother was chattering away to Ainsley, and he was admittedly not paying much attention as he ate, only smiling offhandedly at his mother's enthusiasm for her. It was only when she asked Ainsley what her family was like that he looked up properly from his food, more than a little curious as to her answer. He knew she didn't like talking much about her family - he definitely didn't, either, so he could sympathize. But he couldn't deny wanting to know the truth of the matter, if it was at all similar to his deadbeat dad, or better, or worse. Hopefully, she wasn't too uncomfortable answering.

[Ainsley Rickett]

Ainsley shivered as Julian walked around the chair she'd taken a seat in and whispered into her ear, his breath on her skin making her think things that were probably not appropriate while sitting at a table eating lunch with him and his mother. She bit her lip, throwing him a slightly judgmental yet teasing Did you really just do that? look as he sat down. Who did he think he was, acting like it was fine to give off so many mixed signals? Rather than get frustrated about this, she chose to chat with his mother to distract herself from him. It worked for several minutes as they ate - the mashed potatoes really were good, as was everything else - but then she very clearly heard his mother pose a question about her family, and could feel Julian's eyes on her from across the table as she stared down at her hands for a brief moment to compose herself.

Glancing up again, she took a calculated sip of her water and swallowed it slowly, a huge contrast to the previous day at the Tamarisk when she'd almost choked on water upon Caleb simply informing her that he was supposed to have met up with Julian there twenty minutes ago. This was completely different, however, since it was a situation she was more than used to and thus better prepared to react to, despite her feeling like there were higher stakes here because this was Julian and Julian's mother staring expectantly at her, and she couldn't bring herself to directly lie to either of them. "I have two younger sisters, who I love a lot," she began, her practiced fake smile that she'd perfected over the years emerging instinctively as she went on, "And my father coaches professional Quidditch." She didn't bother specifying for what team, as she didn't care to glorify him when he happened to be the reason that all she wanted to do sometimes was run away from home - but she never did and never would, of course, because she couldn't abandon her sisters.

She realized it probably sounded odd that all she commented on regarding her father was his career, but genuinely couldn't bother going back and sugar-coating it, and there was a hint of disdain in her voice that she hadn't been able to filter out when she spoke the words my father, something that could only be noticed if anyone paid close attention to her answer. Setting her glass of water on the table, she added, almost too calmly, "My mother isn't with us." And that was it. That was all she could manage. It wasn't the full truth, but then again, she'd never told the full truth to anyone other than Addie and Faye. Purposely avoiding Julian's eyes, she absent-mindedly played around with the remaining food on her plate with her fork, already planning out another reply in her mind just in case Julian's mother happened to ask the follow-up question of where exactly her mother was.

[Julian Delaire]

Julian hadn't missed Ainsley's shiver, or the look she threw him afterwards, or the way she bit her lip, but thinking about all of that combined was not the best strategy for surviving dinner with both her and his mother, so he forcefully blocked out any and all thoughts of her lips and the way she might react to his lips if he were brave enough to do anything more. If his mother had any inkling of what he was thinking as he shoveled mashed potatoes into his mouth, she thankfully didn't let it show.

Ainsley's reply to his mother's question definitely brought his focus fully away from the food, though. She was telling the truth, he could tell, but not all of it. He'd definitely employed that same strategy whenever people asked him about his own family, so he could hardly blame her if there was something she wanted to keep hidden. She didn't seem all that fond of her father, either, which was something he definitely empathized with, though hers was clearly still in the picture. He coughed, the noise stealing his mother's rapt attention away from Ainsley, and said, "Mum, thanks for the lunch," as casually as possible, "but I think I'm full. Ainsley, if you're done, we can go back to my room?"

His mother was sending him a thoughtful gaze, but he avoided it firmly as he rose and shot Ainsley a sympathetic look for having to answer the question in the first place. He knew - and hopefully, she knew, too - that his mother didn't mean anything by it, especially given his own family life, but the last thing he wanted to do was make her uncomfortable.

[Ainsley Rickett]

Ainsley cleared her throat as Julian spoke up, not missing the sympathetic look he directed at her as he stood up, and her reaction was a bit delayed until she stood up as well. "Thank you so much for lunch. It was wonderful," she told his mother genuinely, her voice firm as she willed herself to act as normal as possible. She didn't harbor any negative feelings towards Julian's mum, who was actually one of the sweetest people she'd ever met, even if she had inquired about Ainsley's family, because she'd had good intentions when she'd asked and probably had no idea what to expect as an answer, and that was no one's fault at all. It wasn't Julian's mum's fault that her mother was dead, and that her father had been neglecting his role of being a single dad - or a dad at all - to her and her sisters ever since her mother had died. And none of that was a suitable conversation to have over lunch, she thought in an attempt to justify her telling of half-truths. Or a suitable conversation to have ever, for that matter.

Following Julian out and towards his room again, she glanced over at him as they walked side by side in silence. She didn't know whether to thank him for the interruption and exit that he'd initiated, and also didn't think that outright asking him to explain it was the greatest idea, because the last thing she wanted to do was wonder how and why he'd known just when to interject, and if that meant that he cared about her a little more than he might have let on. When she finally found the willpower to say something, they were right in front of his room, but instead of entering it, she stopped and leaned against the doorway, mirroring his actions from earlier, and simply stated, "I know you weren't finished eating." She ran a hand through her hair, slightly anxious, and crossed her arms as she awaited a reply.

[Julian Delaire]

Julian studied her thoughtfully as she spoke, standing halfway between the door and his bed while she stayed framed in his doorway. "I wasn't," he agreed slowly, his voice low in the almost dead silence of his room. Outside, his mother was bustling around the kitchen, but the space between him and Ainsley seemed to be hovering with tension and emotion. "Do you want to talk about it?"

He made sure to keep his tone steady and calming, not wanting her to clam up, and his gaze as open and honest as he could. He wasn't used to these kinds of intimate conversations, especially since Caleb was never one for secrets and he didn't really care enough about anyone else to ask. But this was Ainsley, and he didn't want to scare her off, especially not after the moment they'd just shared outside.

"If you don't," he added before she could answer, his hand absently rising to slide down her bare arm in a show of comfort he wasn't entirely familiar with, but it seemed like the right thing to do, "that's okay, too." Hopefully, she wouldn't jump. Or step back. Her skin was soft, warm beneath his palm and he let it linger below her elbow, his fingers moving lightly in distracted patterns on her arm. Touching her felt so nice, in a totally different way from touching Astraia, and he kind of didn't want to move at all.

[Ainsley Rickett]

Ainsley considered his offer of talking about it, finding it difficult to breathe for too many reasons to name, including his tone and the way he was looking at her. Despite the heavy topic, he was putting her a lot more at ease than she'd been at the table in the kitchen, and she felt content with the fact that even if she didn't end up telling him anything, he had just proved that he was willing to be there for her to talk to, which mattered to her more than she could ever say.

"No, I - it's fine," she replied slowly, her thoughts and the next words on the tip of her tongue all halting as he reached over and slid a hand down her arm. In any other situation, him touching her like this would have made her a bit nervous because she wouldn't know how to react, but it was strangely comforting to her now, to have his fingers linger on her skin as she contemplated how to answer. She nearly began to talk about the way her father treated her and her sisters, but realized right before she spoke that this wouldn't make much sense on its own, because where was her mother and why was her father such a bastard were likely questions that would come to mind if anyone heard that explanation.

Taking a deep breath, she met his eyes, suddenly finding it extremely difficult not to start crying. She could do this. She could tell him. She wanted to tell him. She trusted him a lot more than she probably should have, as she had never let her guard down about this to anyone other than Addie and Faye, not even to Caleb, but Julian seemed like he cared about her and she definitely cared about him and she truly believed that he would understand. "She died," she blurted out miserably, and it was not at all how she'd planned on phrasing it but there it was, out in the open air between them, and she was scared it might suffocate her if she didn't clarify. "My mum," she added, the tears that were forming in her eyes also growing evident in her voice, "She died when I was ten."

[Julian Delaire]

Julian didn't know what exactly happened - one minute he was touching her gently, listening to her try to talk about her family and feeling his stomach churn at how miserable she looked, and the next she'd confessed that her mother was dead and he'd drawn her into his arms for a hug unlike anything he'd ever experienced before. He hadn't planned on it, but then, he never planned anything with Ainsley. Things sort of just happened, and he couldn't deny how nice it felt to have her body fitting against him like she maybe belonged there.

"I'm sorry," he murmured into her hair, one hand sliding down her back in reassuring motions and the other spreading out amongst her curls, his mouth against her temple. "I really am. My dad -- he's not -- I understand," he managed at last, his voice maybe a breath above a whisper. He knew most people realized he only had a mother, but nobody besides Caleb knew the truth, and even Caleb probably had to put most of the pieces together on his own from what Julian had told him. And he knew how much it sucked to only have one parent, to not want people's pity because you lived in a broken home.

He pulled away slightly so he could look her in the eye. "You know, smoking helps me when I get upset about my father," he confided, letting his hand trail around to settle on her waist. "I could show you how to do it properly, if you want? It really helps with the, uh -- the emptiness, I guess." Emptiness was the best word he could come up with for that hollow feeling that filled him every time he thought about his father. "If you don't want to, that's fine, but I just -- it calms me down a lot."

[Ainsley Rickett]

Ainsley was taken by surprise when he hugged her, but she couldn’t claim that it was unwelcome, either. She actually couldn’t remember the last time anyone had hugged her - certainly not her father, or her sisters (she always made an effort to hug Clarissa and Raegan whenever she could, despite them claiming that she was embarrassing them, and they never did the same to her), or her friends, who hardly pushed past the personal bubble of space she’d set up for herself that only a few people were allowed to break - and that now included Julian, apparently. This was on a whole other level than what they’d done outside in his garden, however, because she’d just told him that her mother had died and she almost didn’t believe the own words after they slipped out of her mouth, thinking that maybe it was all a mistake like she always deluded herself into believing before stumbling back to reality and realizing that it was all very real and very much her life and she had to deal with it.

She was immediately comforted by the warmth of his body against hers, and settled her head in the crook of his shoulder. When a few tears spilled out, all she was able to think was Shit, I’m crying onto his shirt, and she lifted a hand up to her cheeks to wipe the tears away before any more ended up falling. Clearing her throat and trying to regain her composure, which was difficult because his hug and hand in her hair and on the small of her back made her feel like it was okay to be emotional, that it was okay to not be okay for a few moments by crying and letting her feelings out, and she definitely wasn't used to doing so.

Registering his brief words about his dad but not wanting to push him to talk about anything he didn’t want to, just like he hadn’t pushed her, her lips brushed lightly against his neck unintentionally as she pulled back slightly to look at him. His hands were now on her waist and she found herself breathing regularly again, ironically enough, as his voice and touch and the look in his eyes, utterly unreadable yet soothing nonetheless, were working immensely well to calm her down, more so than she’d ever admit. “I’m sorry,” was the first thing she managed to say, choking back her remaining tears, “I’m sorry I - I don’t know. I didn’t mean to unload this all on you…” she trailed off, finding herself more receptive to his offer to teach her how to smoke at that moment than she ever would have normally been, and nodded, quietly replying, “Okay. I - yeah. Please.”

[Julian Delaire]

Julian could feel her tears on his shirt, though he didn't much care about the material, but he hoped he hadn't overstepped by hugging her. She didn't seem upset at him, though, which he took as a good sign as she pulled back from him. It took quite a bit of willpower for him not to physically react to the feeling of her mouth slightly brushing the skin of his neck, but he managed. Barely.

"Don't be sorry," he told her gently, tempted to stay there with his arms around her, but knowing he had to move sooner or later. "It's okay. Here," he added, finally stepping back and pulling out the pack of cigarettes and his lighter from his pocket. "Come to the window, I'll show you how to smoke out there." Carefully, keeping one hand on her arm, he began to walk over to the window, taking out two cigarettes, one for each of them.

"It's pretty simple," he told her with a smile, offering her one of the cigarettes and putting the lighter up to the end of his own. "You know how to hold it?" His free hand was already moving, almost of its own accord, to help her with her cigarette.

[Ainsley Rickett]

Ainsley sighed quietly when he let her go, as she would’ve been just fine with being in his arms for a while longer, and tried not to let this show, absent-mindedly wiping her cheeks again with the back of her hand. She allowed herself a small smile in his direction and followed him to his bedroom window, yet again unable to ignore the way it felt when he touched her arm. Or touched her in any way, really. “Thank you,” she found herself saying in a small voice as he took out two cigarettes, “For everything.”

Taking the cigarette he handed to her, she realized that unfortunately his smile alone seemed to do things to her, because he was smiling at her and she knew that he hardly ever smiled at anyone, including Caleb - most of the times she’d seen the two of them together, it was Caleb grinning and Julian simply scowling at him. Trying to stay focused, she shook her head, unaware of how to properly hold the cigarette even though she’d seen Caleb smoke many times in the past few years, and then Julian helped her out with it, also giving her a light. She inhaled slowly, finding it weird how easy the cigarette seemed to fit between her two fingers now that she knew how the whole thing worked.

She exhaled out the window as she’d seen him do, observing the ribbons of the smoke in the air. It was vastly different from him smoking into her mouth, she realized, much less intense, for one, not to mention that she had more control. It almost didn’t feel weird any longer, as she seemed to be getting a little used to the taste, and upon taking another drag, she found her free hand reaching over and brushing against his, this time very purposely, as she hadn’t left herself enough time between when the thought had come to her mind and when she actually did it to mentally talk herself out of it, and she left her hand lingering against his so he would know it wasn’t an accident.

[Julian Delaire]

"You're welcome," Julian murmured, knowing his ears were going red. He wasn't used to being emotionally open, especially around his classmates and especially even moreso around girls. Pretty girls, at that. But he was glad he hadn't fucked this one up, at least. "Anytime," he added, feeling like he ought to say more, but then he went quiet because what else was there to say. The moment, for now, was over.

She looked good smoking, he realized, watching her out of the corner of his eye as he took a drag of his own cigarette. He hadn't thought she would, but it suited her. Of course, the image of Ainsley smoking came up with the memory of what they'd done just outside the window their smoke was traveling through, and it became insanely hard to resist the temptation to finish what he'd started out there by kissing her.

It became exponentially harder when her free hand came into contact with his. Julian jumped a little, totally involuntarily, caught-off-guard by the sudden touching. It was much easier to handle being in contact with her when he was the one who initiated their touches and hugs, but this was unexpected, especially given how much his pulse picked up at the sensation and how he was almost certain she could feel his pulse racing. Part of him wanted to move his hand just out of instinct - despite how much he'd touched her today, he didn't consider himself a very touchy-feely person with anyone other than his mother, but the other part of him willed him to relax and enjoy the touch. He'd already hugged her, after all, not to mention breathed smoke into her mouth. This wasn't bad at all, certainly not by comparison.

In fact, he mused as his fingers twitched and his thumb came to rest gently on the palm of her hand, it was pretty nice. And it wasn't doing much to stop him from kissing her, either.