fumbling through the grey [julian]

[Ainsley Rickett]

Ainsley was confused, to put her feelings mildly. As much as she wanted to see Julian, she wasn’t sure how to feel about the letters between them the previous day, although she was the one who had tried to convince him that they were fine. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but something seemed off about his response, especially in his last letter, in which he’d admitted that he had seen her at the Tamarisk, but she’d looked busy, and he’d had to leave, which she frankly didn’t think was an adequate enough answer. What did he mean she’d looked busy? Fully intending to question him further on this, she stepped through the Floo, reciting his address from memory even though she’d never been over to his before.

Stepping through the Floo into the new house she found herself at, she glanced around the living room and hoped she hadn’t mispronounced the address. Fortunately, she spotted Julian right then as he walked in from the adjoining corridor, and she breathed a sigh of relief. “Hey,” she said quietly, a small smile making its way onto her features just at the sight of him as she walked over, which probably wasn’t good because if she tried remaining casual and walking and smiling all at the same time around him she might end up getting flustered and - yes, nearly tripping over her own two feet for no apparent reason and making a surprised noise. So smooth, she thought, willing herself to not look as embarrassed as she felt as she placed a hand on a table to steady herself. She was such an idiot, but had told herself beforehand that she’d attempt being more confident, so she quickly added, “Thanks for having me over...”

[Julian Delaire]

Julian would be lying if he said he wasn't nervous at all about Ainsley coming over to his house today - actually, in all honesty, he didn't think he'd ever been more nervous. Except maybe his first day away from home at Hogwarts, but that only trumped this by virtue of his separation anxiety about leaving his mother. But this was a whole other level. This was Ainsley at his house. If he screwed this up, he wasn't sure he could ever look her in the eye again. Which would be a pain, because she really was extraordinarily pretty.

The fire in the living room blazed green, he could see from the corner of his eye, and he was honestly tempted to run because what was he going to say? Especially after seeing her with that guy, after seeing her flirting with that guy, after everything he'd stupidly said in his letters, oh, God. How would she react? Would she want to talk about the things he said? He hoped not.

"Hi," he greeted, making a concerted effort to keep his voice calm and casual as he walked over. She was smiling, which made a smile start to form on his own lips, and she looked a little flustered and she was really cute, what was he even thinking, and then - then she tripped. Not much, but he still instinctively reached a hand out to steady her before noticing she'd grabbed hold of a nearby table already. Quickly, he dropped his hand and closed the distance between them to stand by her properly.

"Yeah, of course," Julian said, his hand still hovering a little uselessly at his side - he'd wanted to touch her, he realized, but he wouldn't. He could control himself. Easily. "Uh, my mum's out getting groceries right now, but she'll be home soon. I could show you around, if you want?"

He'd almost offered to take her straight to his room, but that might be considered a little odd, and he was already having flashbacks to the last time he was alone with a girl in a bedroom, which was not what he needed to be thinking about right now, not when he was looking at Ainsley and she was smiling at him and -- "Or we could just go to my room. I did clean it for you."

He was an idiot.

[Ainsley Rickett]

Ainsley smiled at him, oblivious to the hand at his side, and replied, "Oh, okay. I hope I'm not in the way, if you were planning on going with her to get groceries or anything?" Truth be told, she knew little about Julian's family life - she was aware that he had a single mother and he never talked about his father, but that was all, and she'd never directly asked him about the details. She knew herself how awkward and uncomfortable it was to be on the receiving end of that unwanted question, to have people ask where her mother was and feeling their judgment when she swiftly changed the topic instead of telling them the truth.

She shrugged lightly. "Whatever works. I'm interested to see your idea of what a clean room looks like," she remarked teasingly, "I don't know if it'll be up to my standard, but at least you tried." She wondered briefly why he'd cleaned his room for her even though she'd insisted that he didn't have to, pushing this thought away as quickly as it came because like most other things, it probably meant nothing, which also meant that she shouldn't waste time thinking about it. Following him through the corridor as he led her to his room, she shifted her weight from one foot to the other, blurting out the first thing that came to mind, and that happened to be "Can I sit on your bed?"

She immediately bit her lip so she wouldn't continue on to say something equally as stupid to make up for it. Clearly she did not know how to play it casual. Or at least, not when she was with him. That much seemed to be clear. He probably thought she was ridiculous.

[Julian Delaire]

"No, no, of course not, she's coming home soon to make lunch for us while I entertained you," he said, finding a grin come surprisingly easy to his face as he looked at her. His mother had actually been more than pleased that Julian was having a girl over, which led to some teasing he'd rather not think about right now. He loved his mother more than anyone, but if she started teasing him about having a crush on Ainsley, he might actually just never go back to school again.

"It probably won't be," he acknowledged, tilting his head and moving to lead her out of the living room and down the hallway to where his room was. "But I hope you'll be impressed nonetheless," he added, mentally wincing at throwing out a word as pretentious as nonetheless, god, what was he thinking, until her next words stole his attention away from his internal musings. Could she sit on his bed? Well. Yes.

The image of Ainsley on his bed was rather striking in his imagination, though, and he had to shake his head to clear that vision away. It certainly wouldn't do to be thinking of that when she was standing, fully-clothed, in front of him right now. "Yeah," he said casually, hoping he hadn't given anything away, and shot her a quick smile before heading off in the direction of his bedroom.

[Ainsley Rickett]

"That's so nice of her," Ainsley responded, only a bit solemn as she added, "You're really lucky to have her." She paused, glancing over at him as they walked and wishing he would smile more often, because he happened to have a really nice smile and - no, she wasn't going to think about this like that. Absolutely not. Not when they were friends, and especially because she'd probably get laughed at if she let it slip that she thought he was attractive and that she'd thought about kissing him once. Or twice. Did it really matter? Those definitely weren't things she wanted him to know.

When they made it to his bedroom, she stepped in hesitantly, looking around for a moment and then back at him. "Not too bad," she told him nonchalantly, "I thought it'd be way messier." She smiled at him again, finding that this was a natural reaction that she couldn't stop even if she tried. He looked good, as usual, and she tried not to let her gaze linger on him too long, as that might have been less subtle than Can I sit on your bed?, if that was even possible. She took a seat at the edge of his bed, half-bare legs dangling in the air through her skirt, and turned her attention towards the bookshelf in the corner of his room so she wouldn't just be staring at him.

"Can I ask you something?" she inquired, feeling as though the question was getting repetitive and thus not waiting for him to answer before she went on, switching her gaze back to him so she could properly gauge his reaction, "What did you mean yesterday when you said that you saw me and I looked busy?" She knew that this was what she'd wanted to do, to ask him outright when she saw him in-person, but the words seemed foreign on her tongue and she had a strange feeling that she didn't want to know the answer.

[Julian Delaire]

"I am," Julian agreed, a little wistfully, as they entered his bedroom. He was actually pretty proud of how well he'd done in cleaning his room, given that he'd put in much more effort to impress Ainsley than he usually did for anyone else. Not that he was actively trying to impress her - okay, maybe a little. Or a lot. Definitely more than any other girl he'd ever talked to. But still. This was normal. He was totally fine. Everything was fine.

"I do hope it's up to your standards," he teased, already feeling himself tense up when she took a seat on his bed. God, she was pretty. She looked even prettier than normal in the outfit she was wearing, which unhelpfully brought his attention down to her legs. Which was very not good, in his opinion. He needed to think of something else.

Lucky for him (or not so lucky, all considered), she gave him something else to think about. "I - " He hesitated, a little caught off-guard that she'd just thrown the question at him (bloody Gryffindors, always speaking their mind - it was terribly inconvenient, as far as he was concerned). What did she mean what did he mean? "I just meant...you were talking to someone. I didn't want to interrupt." He had promised not to lie to her, and, Slytherin or not, he kept his promises. Side-effect of having a father who hadn't, he supposed. Not that he was going to tell her the whole truth, of course. Not that he could ever tell her how it felt to watch her smile at and laugh with and flirt with someone else.

Absently, he reached up and ran a hand through his hair out of nervous habit. This was so not going as he'd hoped.

[Ainsley Rickett]

Ainsley didn't miss his tone when he replied about his mother, which oddly seemed to match hers a bit, something that she noticed only because she paid way too much attention to people's voices and mannerisms when she was conversing with them. She didn't comment on it, however, because she found herself laughing at his next comment. "I don't even know what my standards are," she said as she shook her head, clearly joking, "I mean, look at me now, just casually sitting in your room at your house. I never would've thought you'd let me come over," she added, her words turning slightly serious. She really still couldn't believe it, as for their first couple years at Hogwarts, Julian had simply been Caleb's quiet best friend to her - the quiet friend who didn't really bother talking to her, because he didn't bother talking to anyone other than Caleb. She wasn't sure how they'd progressed from having a mutual friend to being study partners to writing to each other over the summer to her sitting on his bed and imagining kissing him and running her hands through his hair, which she really should have stopped doing at the present moment, as it was probably clear on her face as she looked at him.

Clearing her throat, she glanced down at her feet momentarily, crossing her legs as she considered his response and not realizing that her skirt had ridden further up her legs because of it. "Yeah, I was talking to someone, but it was totally random," she looked back up at him, meeting his eyes, "You could've come over and talked to me. You wouldn't have been interrupting, honestly." Her voice grew quieter and quieter as she went on, hoping that he believed her, because she really didn't understand why he was acting so weird about it. She searched her memory for something, anything that would make it clearer why he'd reacted the way he had. It wasn't that she didn't remember flirting with Leo, it was that she didn't think it was particularly relevant, because why would Julian care about it? There must have been some other explanation. For someone so academically intelligent and usually practically intelligent as well, she sure was having trouble figuring this situation out. "I really wish you would've come over, even just to say hi," she added lamely, voice barely above a whisper.

[Julian Delaire]

Julian blinked at her, a little surprised by her words. He knew he wasn't as close to Ainsley as either of them were with Caleb, but that was true for all his other friendships (or lack thereof), but still, he would hardly have let her sit at his table to study if he didn't like spending time with her (which, he did - a lot) so why wouldn't he have her over? The look on her face as she watched him, her voice turning steadily less teasing and more serious, was a little disconcerting, mostly because it was inexplicable, and Julian prided himself on being able to read most people like books, but this was out of his comfort zone.

"I don't let most people come over," he admitted, going for teasing to return the mood at least somewhat to what it had been. "Consider yourself special," and it wasn't even a lie. It took a great deal of willpower for him to keep looking her in the eyes instead of letting his gaze wander, but he managed. Somehow. Her next words made it a lot easier to look at her face, though.

"Oh," he said, partly because he was dumbfounded that she wanted him to come over, and partly to stall for time as he mulled over what he could possibly say. "I didn't — I figured you knew him, or something," he said, his voice suddenly going quiet. "I didn't think...well, I had to — " He faltered here, stumbling over his words. "I had to leave," he finished, unable to formulate any other coherent thoughts. "I'm sorry."

[Ainsley Rickett]

Ainsley sighed at Julian's response, anxiously tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. Her thoughts wandered to how she really needed to get a haircut, as she missed having shorter hair. It would all grow back eventually, so she was considering getting it cut before going back to Hogwarts for sixth year. She made a mental note to bring this up to Addie soon and get her opinion on it, though even if Addie disagreed with her, she would probably just do what she wanted and get it cut anyway. "I've noticed," she replied, easing back into a teasing tone as well, "I remember you saying that your mum referred to Caleb and I as your only two friends, which is really sweet. I'm glad you consider me a friend," she found herself saying, not even responding to his use of the word special, because she knew very well that if she tried to, she would probably end up embarrassing herself.

"Doesn't matter if I knew him or not," she responded, shaking her head yet again and suddenly feeling rather bold, "I would rather talk to you over any other guy. Just so you know." I would have rather been sitting in the sunshine with you and laughing with you, she almost added sadly, I would have rather been eating lunch and discussing books with you. "It's okay," she tacked on instead, eyes still locked with his, "But a note for next time: talk to me. If you want to, of course. I'd understand if something else came up and you absolutely had to leave..."

[Julian Delaire]

The soft light shining through his windows caught on the strands of Ainsley's hair as she brought her hand up, and Julian tried very hard to follow the glimmer of light in her curls. Clearing his throat lightly, he offered her a slight smile, a little unsettled by her openness about their level of friendship. This was not something he was used to. With Caleb, everything had just clicked and there was no need for sorting out labels. With Ainsley, though, things were different. More fragile, in a sense. He was worried he might mess everything up in a heartbeat without even knowing it.

"You are my only two friends," he said, shoving his hands into his pockets and leaning against the doorway as he watched her. She was nice to look at, in more than a wow she's really pretty way. It was calming, for some reason, to watch her smile and speak to him. "It's actually kind of sad. At least according to my mother. I don't really see a problem with it, though." He also wasn't used to actively trying to make girls laugh, but clearly, this was happening.

If he hadn't been leaning, he was pretty sure he would have stumbled at her confession. "I — really?" he asked, half in surprise, half in disbelief. He hadn't thought she'd liked him so much to want interact with him outside of studying and letters. "I'll...yeah," he muttered, sheepishly reaching up to scratch the back of his neck. She wanted to talk to him. He was such a fucking idiot. "Definitely. Next time, I mean. I'll — I'll say hi."

There was a part of his brain whispering traitorously, What if she's flirting with some other guy again? but he violently shut off that part and offered her a smile to cover up his internal turmoil. No reason to let her suspect anything else was wrong, after all. He was saved by having to explain why, exactly, he absolutely had to leave, by his mother's entrance.

"Mum!" he greeted, quickly straightening up and going over to give her a hug and a kiss. "Mum," he added afterwards, "this is Ainsley. She's my — my friend," he said, knowing his cheeks were turning red under his mother's scrutiny, "one of my only two friends, if you recall. Ainsley, this is my mum."

[Ainsley Rickett]

"I don't think it's sad at all," Ainsley replied genuinely, "You and Caleb work really well together. I don't know what he'd do without you, seriously, even though he'd never admit it. And I try to be a good friend, I guess," she went on, shrugging as she stared down at the floor. It was difficult, she suddenly realized, to be in the same room as Julian - to be in his room with him, because she felt like she was walking a thin line between sounding too eager or too detached, and didn't want him to think she was either. She really wished he would just sit down next to her instead of leaning against the opposite wall - it was his room, after all, she almost felt like she was intruding by having taken up a seat on his bed if he wasn't sitting on it too - but couldn't bring herself to say this, partly because she knew being that much closer to him would simply fluster her more.

"Yeah, really," she affirmed, finding his stammering to be rather cute and trying (and failing) to hide a smile, "I'm serious." She saw his mum walk in right before he did, suddenly feeling self-conscious about sitting on her son's bed, and stood up, brushing off her skirt and desperately hoping she looked presentable. "Hi," she greeted semi-confidently after she'd watched Julian hug her - which was also rather cute, as was his declaration to his mum that she was his friend, but she quickly got her mind back on track. Taking a few steps over towards them, she continued, "I'm Ainsley. Which he already said, but yes. Hello. I've heard great things about you." She made a movement to extend her hand to shake his mum's hand, but felt it brush against Julian's instead, completely accidentally, and her cheeks inevitably grew warm as she avoided Julian's eyes and finally brought herself to shake his mother's hand. She couldn't focus entirely, however, as she was standing so close to Julian that she registered the very light scent of his cologne and her breath momentarily caught in her throat, and Merlin, he was looking at her, she could sense it as she stood next to him and across from his mum, and this might have just gotten her to new levels of embarrassment that she hadn't been aware were possible.

[Julian Delaire]

He wanted to say something along the lines of, "You are a good friend," but he refrained himself for fear of sounding too...attached? Clingy? What was the word he was trying to avoid? Either way, the moment passed before he could say anything, which was probably good for his composure.

His mother, thankfully, seemed to like Ainsley quite a lot, judging by her enthusiastic greeting. Julian had to smile a little as he watched the two of them converse. His hand was still tingling from where Ainsley had touched it, but there was no way he was letting that show in front of his mother.

"Mum," he murmured under his breath when she got a bit too gushing. "Do you need help with preparing lunch? If you don't, Ainsley and I can just go out to the garden and talk there." He was actually rather proud of his and his mother's little garden - it wasn't much, but it was their home, and his mother had started gardening to brighten up the place when he was young. There was no place in the house he adored more, not even his bedroom.

Looking over at Ainsley, he half-smiled and nudged her with his shoulder. "Come on, let's get out of my mother's way," he said lightly and began to head out of the suddenly-crowded room, grabbing a pack of cigarettes from his dresser on the way, just in case she maybe wanted to smoke. He certainly could use one, if she kept smiling at him like that.

[Ainsley Rickett]

Ainsley beamed at Julian's mother, who seemed to be talking a mile a minute, and stole a quick glance out of the corner of her eye at Julian as she nodded and answered his mother's basic questions. His mum was really nice, more so than he'd described, and she experienced a twinge of jealousy out of nowhere that he had such a kind and caring mother and she didn't. His father was missing from the picture, of course, but then again, hers might as well have been too. Shoving these unwanted feelings of resentment aside - she should have been happy for him, not sad for herself, she replied, "It's so nice to finally meet you," to his mother before properly looking at him as he nudged her, simultaneously attempting to compose herself. His mum seemed to like her so far, which was a good sign, but she was still perfectly fine with the idea of getting some fresh air to prevent herself from doing or saying anything stupid. Not that being outside made her filter her words or actions, but still. She reckoned she might want to kiss Julian a bit less if she wasn't sitting on his bed. Or anywhere in his room at all, for that matter.

"Please do let us know if you need any help with lunch," she echoed from over her shoulder as Julian led her out of his room, and then, immediately turning to him once they were in the corridor and out of earshot, told him, "Your mother is such a sweetheart. She's really lovely." Allowing herself to smile shyly at him, she copied his gesture from moments earlier, nudging him in the shoulder as they walked, "Can't believe she's stuck with a son like you, though," she teased, stepping out the door after him and strolling into his garden. It was beautiful, she thought immediately, the arrangement of flowers and colors they had cultivated, which, along with the feeling of the warm summer air against her skin, only made her smile more. Observing the pack of cigarettes in his hand, she tilted her head to the side, absent-mindedly asking, "Are those even any good? Caleb's offered before, but I've never tried."

[Julian Delaire]

Julian lit a cigarette as they wandered out to the garden, his cheeks still a little warm from how much his mother seemed to like Ainsley and how much he was enjoying her company. Her shy smile wasn't helping matter much because she looked really fucking pretty and thank god they were finally outside in the fresh summer air. He sent her a grin and murmured, "Thanks, yeah, she's great," before taking a drag. "I don't know how she puts up with me either," he admitted, only half-joking as the smoke spun out in ribbons from his lips, watching it float in front of him and thinking back to the pictures of his father he'd seen and how much he looked like him and how much he didn't want to.

But those were thoughts for another time. He glanced over to see Ainsley smiling as she looked around the garden and then back at him. "I like them," he told her in answer, lifting the cigarette back to his mouth and taking another drag. "It calms me down when I get too stressed." Eyeing her thoughtfully, he added, "Here, you can try," and before he was fully aware of what he was doing, he lifted the cigarette away from his mouth and leaned over.

He was careful to give her time to back up, but soon his mouth was hovering over her parted lips and the smoke from his was filling hers. It took him a while to realize exactly what this meant - namely, he was close enough to kiss her what the fuck was he thinking - because he'd done it plenty of times with Caleb when one of them was down to their last cigarette and it hadn't been nearly this nervewracking then. But this was Ainsley. He could feel his face heat up, and he wasn't sure if it was from the smoke, the sunshine, or the feeling of being so close their lips were almost pressed together.

He had a sudden flashback to when he'd last been this close to another girl, another pretty, dark-haired girl, and almost guiltily, he jumped back as soon as he was finished blowing the smoke into her mouth, unsure of what to do and very aware of the way his heartbeat was pounding at the intensity of the moment they had just shared. Looking into her eyes was like staring at a storm, utterly beautiful and yet terrifying for the way it made him feel all at the same time.

[Ainsley Rickett]

"Hey, you're not that bad," Ainsley chimed in, "I was just joking." She paused, about to consider a response to his comment about her trying it, which, if he hadn't leaned over and interrupted her thought process, would have consisted of something along the lines of I probably couldn't even hold a cigarette properly. He didn't hand her a cigarette, though, and she didn't know what she'd been expecting, but it was definitely not this. Her lips parted instinctively and she felt him slowly exhale smoke into her mouth before she could protest. Not that she had any problem with it in particular, suddenly realizing how close their bodies were, how close their faces were, how close their lips were - close enough that they could have easily been kissing, and yet he was blowing smoke into her mouth and their lips were almost touching and she wondered fleetingly if this was a thing that people actually did.

It was one of those odd things where she didn't even know she'd wanted it until it happened, and just as soon as it happened, it was over, and she'd breathed in all the smoke he'd breathed out into her mouth. She was intensely aware of how close they still were to one another for several drawn out moments, in which she couldn't form a coherent thought to save her life even if she'd tried because her entire body was buzzing with something she couldn't name. Just as she raised a hand to touch his neck without thinking about it - because he was so close and she wanted nothing more than to kiss him right then - he pulled back, leaving her standing there, still a little stunned.

"Julian," she managed to reply slowly, puzzled as to how the hell they hadn't kissed, "I - you - okay. That was - wow. D'you want to do it again? Caught me off guard the first time..." She sounded dazed and felt paralyzed, rooted to the spot and unable to make a rational case for why she'd like to do it again, silently hoping that he would understand. She didn't know how to say that she wanted to be that close to him again. She didn't even know how to properly think about it, really.