Lorcan

[Cassie Lewis]

Lorc,

Hugely important hypothetical question: if one accidentally cast a charm when drunk and woke up to find most of the furniture sprouting hair, how would you find a Kneazle amongst all that so you could protect them from being turned back to furniture status? Hypothetically.

On a less urgent note - I'm kidding, I love you and your life updates are always urgent in my life - how've you been? Any major sexual violations from Sebbylicious yet? Anything fascinating happening? I'm pretty bored, myself; I still need to finish buying presents for the twins - have you got yours sorted yet? I'm going to go shopping soon, and if you've finished, I'll just drop by the Tamarisk for lunch and talk your ear off, and if you haven't done your shopping yet, I'm dragging you with me, buttercup.

ALSO, Albus is a ridiculous drunk. Tell Lysander hi! I'm not sure if he's used to my existence yet.

Love you lots forever,

Cassie xoxo tic tac toe

[Lorcan Scamander]

Cass,

Well, hypothetically, one could try and call the Kneazle? Presuming the Kneazle is owned by one why am I doing that you and has a name. Ooh, or treats? I know for a fact that Kneazles love catnip, so I maybe dangle some around or something. Also, how hypothetically drunk were you when this happened?

That's sweet, Cass, your drunk escapades are equally important to me. I've been all right. Lysander recently tried to murder me while I was helping him out of the fridge.

Seb hasn't done anything too traumatizing, but not for lack of trying. Did I tell you he somehow ended up writing me about how mermaids have sex? It's too bad he's not a Kneazle - we'd just neuter him, and that would be that. Anyway, I've already bought him a mermaid costume so he can openly accept his bizarre fetish, but I do need help with Chloe's present. Please stop by and advise. (Also what is buttercup? I guess it's better than nature boy, but still.)

And one other thing happened. I Do you know Devyn Oberlin? Because she came by the Tamarisk recently and, uh, well we shagged. In the Tamarisk Tree. Is it strange how all my hookups seem to happen in right after I get off shift? Do I just look extra attractive in the apron? Anyway, I'll tell Lysander (I'm pretty sure he's... aware you exist. Might take a few tries to get through to him, though! And I've never seen Albus drunk, but now I want to).

Loads of love,

Lorcan I'm stealing that sign off that was really cute

[Cassie Lewis]

Lorcan,

Yeah, but I have a feeling that this utterly hypothetical Kneazle is deaf? Due to some mishap - in this hypothetical universe, of course - involving Louis and fireworks in sixth fifth year? Ooh, treats could work! That ought to be dangled. I'll keep you updated on this hypothetical situation. HA, you say that like I remem would remember. Hypothetically, I can't remember anything beyond racing Albus as a challenge and for some reason, both of us taking a detour via a fountain. It's especially weird, because I was out with Nik and not Albus, and I can't actually remember us crashing into Al and his lot? So potentially extremely drunk. Bad life choice. Very bad life choice. I hold Nik completely responsible.

I'm super touched right now. Ooh, sounds exciting - why was he in the fridge? Did he lose a cockatrice in there or something? Murder is not a fun experience, Lorcan. I hope you survived and I am not discussing things with an Inferius; those things are creepy as fuck.

Yes, he's not one to lack for trying. How do mermaids have sex? I imagine it would be like a fish, but then I guess it could be like a dolphin and have a dick? Can you imagine his face if we neutered him, even as a Kneazle? He'd look like a sad puppy and everyone would melt and hug him close to their chests and he'd manage second base without even being a human. Ooh, splendid idea! yeah, okay, I'll be there - I intend on everyone getting Chloe fabby things to reflect her personality. And Seb ridiculous sexual ones, to reflect him. So far, you're acing it. (It's a flower weed! Which is like you, kinda, because you're a sunny yellow flower and you are taller than me - not that weeds are taller than me, but if I am grass and you are weed, it works. Kinda. IT'S CUTE.)

As in, sister to your ex-girlfriend/ex-girlfriend of Lou? Yes. Oh my Godric, Lorcan, you're a stud. I am very proud. Well, slightly concerned, because fuck, man, I eat there, and dude, hygiene. How'd it happen? Not the sex, obviously - though if you're desperate to share, you can tell me that if you want - but what happened that led to you getting laid in an apron again? Clearly, your apron is that of a sex god. Third time's the charm, though - if it happens to you a third time, well, it's obvious that Seb will have to give his self proclaimed title of Sex God over to either you or your apron. Cheers (how do you reckon he'd react if I popped by your flat? I've always wanted to see a man-cave. Yes, it's an enjoyable sight. He's normally so collected and all of a sudden, he's unpredictable - sometimes snarky or quiet, other times, ridiculously cheerful and spontaneous - he fucking sang a song once, it was so beautiful that I laughed until I cried).

Love you lots,

Cassie xoxo tic tac toe I know it's cute I love it to pieces

[Lorcan Scamander]

Cass,

Louis deafened a Kneazle? I hope someone yelled at him for that, that's awful. Oh, sorry, yelled at him hypothetically, I guess. Anyway, yes, keep me updated. I don't think the poor Kneazle deserves any more mistreatment. When you say "detour via fountain" do you mean over it or through it? I hope it's the former, do not ride through fountains Cassie Lewis, you will catch cold! Same goes for Albus, obviously. I don't expect you need to worry about Nik. I expect he ended up talking someone's ear off and then went home singing to himself.

Even better, I came home and he'd gotten his head stuck in the fridge. It wasn't at all exciting; he knocked me over while I was pulling him out and I nearly got impaled on a table. No, Cass, I'm not an Inferius, thank you for spoiling my breakfast.

Oh, don't you start. I am not a mermaid lifestyle expert, I don't know, and I don't think I want to find out, honestly? At this point the entire idea's kind of making me squeamish. That does sound like Seb: an opportunity becomes an opportunity for sex. Tempted to get him an unneutered Kneazle, just so he has some company that can keep up with him. Though I agree, Chloe definitely deserves something much nicer (Why are you grass? You'd be a poppy or a tulip. Something red and cheerful, anyway. I accept your weird flower nickname if I'm allowed to think of one for you too).

As in sister to my ex-girlfriend/ex-girlfriend of Louis, yeah. Though putting it that way makes me really uncomfortable, eugh. First of all, it wasn't anywhere people eat, okay? And anyway, I am a wizard, I came in the next day and practically blistered the treehouse with cleaning spells. Well, I don't know, she came in and started talking to me, and one thing led to another, I guess. It really must be a magic apron, I'll have to tread carefully when I'm in it. Save it for special occasions or something? That sounds a bit creepy actually. Maybe just not wear it and try to stop having sex with people at work. I don't know why you think taking Seb's title would be encouraging in any way. Who knows what all he's gotten over it, it's probably totally unhygienic (I don't know that he would react? He'd probably notice you a little bit, and then sort of forget about you. Nothing personal, he sometimes forgets I'm around, too. It's not really a man-cave? Unless you're going for sparsely decorated and full of dirty clothes? It's just messy, frankly. I'm now really upset I've never seen Albus drunk. Does he really sing?)

Love,

Lorcan xoxo tic tac toe it really is adorable