makes your head spin around [ainsley]

[Ainsley Rickett]

"Merlin, I didn't even say his name, you can't just assume that I'm thinking about him," Ainsley chided, though she knew she had a tendency to be an open book around Addie most of the time, so she couldn't really reprimand her friend for knowing her well. She frowned slightly as Addie pulled herself up and started to sound serious, unsure of what to anticipate. "Okay," she replied tentatively, "What -"

Addie's words knocked the breath out of her, completely unexpected, and Ainsley immediately stumbled off the bed, taking a few steps back until she was pressed up against the table in her room and couldn't move back any farther. "No, you're - what? That can't be true. You're lying," she accused without thinking, although she was well aware that Addie would never lie to her. That would mean that Caleb was lying, too, and why would Addie drag his name into this if it wasn't true? But that meant - that meant that Caleb had known, Caleb who she'd talked to earlier that day, Caleb who was supposed to be her friend, Caleb who she remembered saying that all he was talking to Addie about was the three of them going out to dinner and had therefore apparently withheld information from her. She couldn't care less about why he hadn't told her, only that he hadn't, and she turned around, carelessly throwing whatever was in her way at her table out of the way so she could get to her quill and parchment.

"I'm going to write to Caleb right now," she announced levelly, as if this could somehow change the truth. She then whirled back around to face Addie, and despite her unwavering state of denial, found herself saying, rather angrily, "What the fuck do you mean, anyway, that Julian had sex with Astraia Yaxley? How am I supposed to - why didn't you tell me before? Why did you wait so long? When the hell did this even happen?" She tried to put all of her energy into being furious at Caleb and at Addie, subconsciously too afraid of what would happen if she allowed herself to think about Julian having sex with Astraia, and what that actually meant.

[Addie Beaumont]

Addie bit her lip, watching in concern as Ainsley moved away from her. A part of her had known her reaction would be pretty bad, but she hadn't let herself consider it properly, allowing herself to get caught up in girly gossip and first kisses. But she knew Ainsley would be - and clearly was, no matter how much she pretended otherwise - crushed, and though she didn't have a comparable crush of her own, she could still empathize with the feeling. God, Julian Delaire was a fucking idiot.

"I'm not lying," she said sadly, trying to be somewhat soothing but guessing she probably failed. "I wouldn't -- are you sure -- Ainsley, it wasn't his fault," she tried, already knowing she wasn't going to get through to her best friend. "He wanted to tell you, I'm sure he did, but he... look, I wrote you and came over as soon as I could. He told me because he knew I would tell you. I wasn't trying to keep it a secret." It took a great deal of willpower to keep her voice steady and calm, but she hoped she managed.

"I don't know when it happened," she admitted, twining her hands through her curls nervously as she adjusted her position on the bed, watching Ainsley worriedly. "I only know that it did, and Caleb seemed pretty certain, and I trust him on something like this. It must have been recently, though. Like, Caleb wrote me all of a sudden yesterday so probably then, or the day before. I don't know," she added helplessly. "I don't know what he was thinking. I actually...I wrote to Julian, too, as soon as I heard, and I brought his letters if you want to see them," she offered, a little unsurely, as she reached for her bag. Part of her hoped that Ainsley didn't want to, because she would be devastated if she saw half the things Julian had said to her, but she wasn't going to keep this a secret from her best friend, either.

[Ainsley Rickett]

Julian had sex with Astraia Yaxley. The sentence echoed ceaselessly in Ainsley’s mind, and as the seconds ticked by and she heard Addie's explanations, she had no choice but to fully believe them. The only other option would be to write to Julian to confirm, and what would she even say? Hey, so two of my best friends claim that you've slept with Astraia Yaxley, but I'm being an irrational idiot and refusing to believe it until I hear it from you, because for some reason I trust you way too much? No, that certainly wasn't something she was going to do. Ever.

She began to pace back and forth across her room, one hand on her forehead. "Doesn't matter, Addie," she replied, clearly frustrated, "He should have told me. But it's nice that you and Caleb are finally bonding," she continued icily, knowing that she would regret these words as soon as they slipped out of her mouth, because despite how furious she was, she'd never want to lash out at Addie for it, not to mention that one of her biggest hopes was that Addie and Caleb would become good friends, "Apparently there's nothing like talking about how to go about making a big deal of telling one of your mutual friends something that could have been very easily told that can quickly make two people friends."

She stopped in her tracks, then, boldly meeting Addie's gaze. "Whatever," she responded, voice sounding very strained in her new attempt to appear apathetic, "I don't want to see the letters he wrote to you, because I don't care." She was aware that convincing Addie of her indifference would be nearly impossible, but then again, she was more so trying to convince herself and that was much easier. "I really don't care," she went on firmly, rolling her shoulders up in a small shrug, "Julian can have sex with whoever he wants. It's not my problem. It has absolutely nothing to do with me. We fucking sat in the library together a couple times last year, that's all. He has every right to sleep with whoever he wants."

His name left a bitter taste in her mouth, one that certainly hadn't been there when she'd been discussing potentially kissing him only moments earlier. She forced herself to believe her own lies, disregarding everything that clearly pointed to how she did care, because obviously that didn't matter if Julian didn't. Just because she'd felt that they were leaning towards being more than friends didn't mean that he felt the same way, especially if he'd slept with Astraia a day or so before they'd hung out. She was suddenly very glad that she hadn't kissed him, countless thoughts flooding her brain and the most prominent one being What the fuck had he been thinking, blowing smoke into her mouth and whispering in her ear and touching her arm and hugging her and holding her hand when she reached for his? Was that all supposed to be platonic? She was beyond confused, also still holding onto the thought that he didn't do any of those things with other girls, because that certainly wasn't the way he treated Addie. But he'd had sex with Astraia, her mind promptly reminded her, and that was all she really needed to know.

[Addie Beaumont]

The shots about her and Caleb hit Addie like darts, sinking into her subconscious with echoes of she was a bad friend and had she gone about this the wrong way? but she was mature enough to recognize that now was not the time for self-pity, no matter how much Ainsley's words cut. She had to take several breaths to calm herself so she wouldn't open her mouth and say something to make the whole situation monumentally worse. The last thing she wanted to do was twist the knife in.

"Okay," she said finally, lifting her head and meeting Ainsley's gaze as evenly as she could, "you don't care." It was a load of bullshit, and she was pretty sure both of them knew that, but if it made Ainsley feel better, she wasn't going to stop her from deluding herself. "You don't care that he almost kissed you after he slept with Astraia?" Crap, that one had come out way more disbelieving than she'd intended it to. Shaking her head to clear it, she added, "No, look, I -- I thought you deserved to know, okay? It's up to you what you do with the information, whether or not you care."

She paused, then said, "Ains, I'd bet my trust fund he likes you, you know that? But he's a fucking idiot. Boys are fucking idiots." Frowning at the bedspread, she added, "And if you want me to, I'll go kick him in the guts for leading you on like that because that is such a dick move."

[Ainsley Rickett]

Ainsley closed her eyes, her head pounding with thoughts she didn't want to come to terms with now or ever, including utterly unwanted ones of Julian kissing Astraia, Julian touching Astraia, and Julian having sex with Astraia - no, she wasn't going to do this to herself. She refused to let it get to her any more than it already had or to be petty about it, even though she couldn't easily shake off the thought of Why Astraia Yaxley? Astraia was pretty, that much was obvious, but aside from sharing classes with her, Ainsley had never really socialized with her, so she didn't know what else to think. When she remembered that Astraia and Julian were housemates, though, she found herself walking back over to sit on her bed next to Addie.

"I'm sorry," she sighed, running a hand through her hair as she pushed herself back to reality, "I didn't mean to snap at you. None of this is your fault. I'm just - I'm fine. It's okay." She shot Addie a small smile, having to actually exert effort to force this expression, but then her best friend's next words only acted as salt in her wounds. "Thanks," she replied, attempting to keep her tone blank, "I really needed the reminder. But no, I don't care. He wouldn't have kissed me, anyway, and he didn't, so it doesn't matter. None of it does."

She shook her head disbelievingly. "He doesn't like me," she disagreed immediately, "Don't try to make me feel better." Crossing her legs to sit up properly on her bed, she was reminded suddenly of all the small details of her visit to Julian's that she'd forgotten in her initial shock, and she blurted out, "Fuck," in exasperation before meeting Addie's eyes again. "I sat on his bed, oh my god, I'm such an idiot. Do you think that's where they shagged?" She recognized that she was now going against her own claim of not caring, but couldn't help it, the questions overwhelming her mind also deeply clouding her judgment and ability to think straight.

"I just," she added, "I - it makes sense, I guess. Astraia's really pretty, and they're in the same house so they likely see each other all the time, and like you said, he's a teenage boy. It's nothing unusual. You don't have to do anything to him, I don't -" she stopped mid-sentence, choking back a bitter laugh as she recalled something that made her feel even worse in every possible way, "- I told him about my mum," she realized out loud, getting off the bed as she stood up abruptly again, "I can't believe I - shit. I hate myself. Why would I do that? He doesn't even care, probably, and now I just look ridiculous and overemotional, and he slept with Astraia, of course he doesn't care..."

[Addie Beaumont]

"It's okay," Addie said, slightly apologetically as Ainsley came to sit down next to her, reaching out to grab her friend's hand in comfort. "I know you're just...caught off guard." She tried to choose her words carefully, not wanting to throw out something like upset even though Ainsley so clearly was. "But I don't want you to...to lie to yourself, Ains," she said quietly. "It's okay to care. You don't have to talk to him or do anything but it's okay to let yourself care."

"I'm your best friend," she pointed out, a little helplessly, "it's my job to make you feel better. Look, fine, maybe you're right, he doesn't like you. Maybe it doesn't matter whether he does or not." Addie hesitated, not sure how to answer Ainsley's question, especially without pointing out that she obviously cared a lot if she was wondering where they'd shagged. "I don't know," she said at last, because it was the only thing to say. "You're not an idiot, though. You guys were hanging out. It's fine, it'll all be fine, I promise."

The revelation about Ainsley telling him about her mother came as a bit of a shock though. It had taken ages before Ainsley had opened up to Addie or Faye about that, and the fact that she had told Julian...well, Addie was definitely going to have to kick him somewhere the sun didn't shine next time she saw him. "Astraia's not as pretty as you," she said, which was perhaps the only thing she was sure of. "And if he says anything stupid to you, I will hurt him."

She didn't really know what else to say without actually knowing the extent of the damage. Ainsley seemed horrified by it, though, so she extended a hand to take her friend's again and pulled her in for a hug. Whatever happened or would happen, though, she was going to make Julian Delaire regret it.

[Ainsley Rickett]

Ainsley relaxed slightly as Addie reached over to take her hand, comforted just by the fact that her best friend was here for her, and therefore felt guilty again for snapping at her. "I know, I - you know I care. I don't want to, but I do, and it's the worst because he doesn't..." She trailed off sadly, suddenly having a flashback to sitting and laughing with Addie in a booth eating ice-cream just a couple weeks ago, recalling their discussion about how dumb boys were, and how she herself had said that they should never waste their time on dumb boys. Now Julian definitely fit into that category, so she was intent on staying true to her word as much as possible.

"Whatever," she repeated, this time a bit more lightly rather than out of spite, "It doesn't matter whether he does or not, although I assure you that he doesn't. Why else would he sleep with Astraia? And I hung out with him a few hours ago and he never even mentioned it - well, why would he? - but he also said that I'm the only girl who's ever been in his room, so -" she halted again, finding it rather difficult to breathe all of a sudden, "Did he lie to me? What the hell?" If she'd been thinking calmly, she would have realized that there were, of course, more places than just Julian's bedroom that he could have had sex with Astraia, but that thought didn't strike her at the present moment, so she simply began to overthink the matter again. Her gut told her that Julian wouldn't lie to her - not telling her that he'd slept with Astraia wasn't exactly lying, she convinced herself - but then again, she didn't think she could trust her gut instincts anymore, as she hadn't been able to guess at all that Julian had slept with another girl a day or two before she'd hung out with him. Did that mean everything was a lie? Was he perpetually lying to her because she'd put too much faith in him too quickly? She was such an idiot.

"Let's just go to sleep early," she said resignedly, exhausted and not wanting to discuss Julian and Astraia for even another minute, though she smiled a little at Addie's threats to hurt Julian, because she didn't doubt them. "I'll be fine, I promise. This won't even matter tomorrow," she lied half-heartedly when Addie hugged her, and she sighed into her shoulder before pulling away after a few moments. She felt like absolute shit - she'd told Julian Delaire something about herself that only a handful of people in the world knew, and that too after he'd slept with a girl who was far prettier than her and more experienced and probably more likable, so why did she even try? Why had she even thought she'd had a chance to begin with? She couldn't imagine ever properly looking Julian in the eye again. She didn't want to, either, not until she knew what the truth was - he'd slept with Astraia, but what did that mean? Were they a thing, or had it just been one time? Moreover, why the fuck did she still care? She didn't want to care about someone who lied to her.

[Addie Beaumont]

(ooc: aaaand that's it for this bout of drama i think let's continue it elsewhere~)