you just can't hear me no more `` [ neil ]

[Brianna McLaggen]

"Anna? I'm done."

Brianna shook her head a little as her eyes focused back on the face of the brown-haired, doe-eyed boy in front of her. Her thoughts had been running a million miles per hour, flashes of her memories of previous times of walking down this very alley with many different people.

It was sunny out now, so she'd been keeping an eye out on the throng of people, her eyes peeled for a familiar head of blonde hair - either her mum's, sister's, or Aggy's. Or any familiar head, really. She hadn't wanted to be here for any other reason than why she was here in the first place. A reason that was sat across the table from her, dripping chocolate ice cream off his chin from a spot he'd missed.

"Here, Teo", she said gently, picking up the crumpled ball of tissue and trying to find a clean patch with which to wipe his chin. A child and ice cream usually automatically meant a mess, and Matteo, at five years old, was no different. Brianna could see that he'd sincerely tried, but he often forget that his hands were sticky - it must have slipped his mind that the ice cream on top of his cone had melted down to his fingers when he'd scratched his chin.

Finding a cleaner patch of tissue, she wiped at his chin and the offending chocolate smudge came away with it. His face when he saw the mess was contrite, and he looked back up at her with puppy eyes. "It's okay, baby," she murmured. Despite wanting to get out and away from the magical world as soon as she could, she decided to try and brighten his mood. "Hey, d'you wanna go check out Quality Quidditch Supplies?"

His eyes lit up, and Brianna could see he was controlling his excitement, just smiling at her shyly. She responded with her own grin, standing up and wiping her hands on her jeans, Vanishing the dirty tissue with a quick flick of her wand. "C'mon, then," she said, holding out her hand to take Matteo's.

Until her skin came in contact with something much stickier than usual. "Whoops," she joked lightly, seeing the clouds on the boy's face reappearing. "Don't worry about that, Teo. Look, wanna see some magic?"

She quickly whipped out her wand and waved it over the tiny little hands, patches of brown in places where she never imagined melted ice cream would reach.

[Neil Pereira]

Neil was all too willing to go run errands when he found out that he needed some research books for a new article. It had been a long time since he'd gone to any other place than work, and then back home. He would've loved to go to the store now and then but being a wizard meant he was used to simply waving his wand and increasing the quantity of something that was running low. It had been far too long since he'd come here, and he grinned at the familiar shops and old faces. When he was done browsing the books in various stores - secondhand, as well - and he'd found just the right resource novels, he was ready to leave. Only, he didn't want to just yet. The feeling of being back in Diagon Alley made him feel like a child again and he wanted to hold onto this feeling.

Deciding to pick up some ice cream - perhaps for Jade to enjoy - he decided to go to the parlor. It would be a nice gesture, and some leftover icecream in the fridge would never hurt anybody. Besides, he was craving some right now, more than the actual lunch he'd never had a chance to get. Retightening the sling of his messenger bag, where the heavy books were, he walked into the parlor and almost ran into a little kid. He immediately winced, glad that he hadn't run into him and then looked down apologetically. "Sorry, little man."

He looked up to apologize to the accompanying blonde as well, but the moment he saw her, he felt the world spin. His mouth went dry, and he swallowed, narrowing his eyes at her. He wanted to very rudely just walk past her but he was frozen in place, eyes staring intently at a point where he could see both her and the child from the periphery of his vision. At that moment, nothing made sense in the least. His heart was beating faster than he'd like it to, as he slowly took in the somewhat motherly stance she'd taken while cleaning his hands and he felt his head spin further. A series of old images - of her as a mother - flashed through his mind and he thought he was going to either throw up or pass out. "Brianna," he finally managed to choke out.

[Brianna McLaggen]

Brianna was in the middle of twirling her wand for an added 'magical' flair to elicit a smile from the little boy when, out of the corner of her eye, she noticed a harried man with a bulging messenger bag come their direction. In her haste to pull Matteo aside, she dropped her wand and it clattered to the ground, though thankfully it didn't break. Stooping low to retrieve it and murmuring vague swear words that she'd sugarcoated in case the innocent sponge next to her caught any of it, she fixed her facial expression to the stoniest, angriest glare she could manage, about to tell the man to watch where he was damn well going.

Noticing that he was still standing there, and hearing his apology, she'd opened her mouth and let him hear a piece of her mind, albeit without quite as much of the f-bombs as was currently running through her head. That was, until the familiarity of his voice caught up with the rest of her distracted mind, matching with the familiarity of his face. The way he was staring at her and the way he said her name, and the way he was staring at something beside her--

Oh, shit.

She surreptitiously pushed Matteo behind her, not knowing why but just feeling the instinct to do so. "Pereira," she greeted icily back, her voice considerably lower in volume than what she'd intended when she'd planned to berate him about knocking down innocent children in the ice cream shop.

She said nothing more, just stood there in front of Matteo, one hand clutching his shoulder to keep him behind her, and also using his small support to help her fight her dizziness at the sudden onslaught of memories. Neil looked older, his eyes different - he still looked good, no doubt about it, but Brianna could hardly see the boy she had fallen in love with. The set of his face when he'd realised it was her... He'd never looked at her like that before, not until she...

She gulped, fighting back emotions. She couldn't lose it, not now, not here - not in front of the little boy who'd seen enough of the miseries of the world.

[Neil Pereira]

Neil could barely move, he was so stunned. Somebody might as well have hit him with a spell, for good measure. He knew that it was impossible for this boy to be - no, she'd told him she was having an abortion. Besides, even if she'd kept the baby, in secret or otherwise, then the child would've only been a year or so old. This boy was much older. No. There was no way for this boy to be his son. Still..the sight of him beside Brianna sent a sharp pang of pain through his chest, as if re slicing a wound that had only just healed recently. His feelings for her had long before churned into a confusing mixture of anger and longing, and it hadn't taken him so much time to get over her as it had to get over the idea of them losing a chance to build a future and a family (for him to ever have a future and family) just because they'd been caught in this at the wrong time of their lives. He hated her. He hated her, and he hated himself for hating her. More than anything, though, he hated the control she still had on him.

He eyed her warily as she pushed the boy behind her and this simple action infuriated him. He'd never been incredibly good with children but he knew he had the potential to be. He didn't hate them, he just didn't know to be around them. Hadn't he controlled his bag and body in time so that the poor boy wouldn't get hurt? Besides, the apology which had escaped his lips had been directed at the little kid and not her in at all. It's not like he was a dangerous criminal whom she had to hide from. Between the two of them, he wasn't the one who killed children. He shook his head at the thought. He told himself to unfreeze and take a step back, but somehow when he felt his body come back to life, it was a step closer which he took. Ignoring the way she was looking at him and feeling zero sympathy for her, he knelt down a little so that he could see the boy from behind her.

"I'm awfully sorry, young man. I hope I didn't hurt you. I try not to do that," he said, giving a scathing look to Brianna with the last sentence. He knew he was playing dirty with bringing the child into this but he was hurt and shocked, and let's be frank, he wasn't the most moral person around. So he simply nodded to him and then straightened up. He didn't move, wondering if there was something she could say to him and he wished, deep down, that she would.

[Brianna McLaggen]

When Neil - Pereira - addressed the boy behind her, she felt a tug on her hand as Matteo leaned his head around her legs to look up at the older man. She looked down at the boy, meaning to hide him again, but she could see the ghost of a smile on his face and she couldn't bring herself to hide him. Besides, seeing Pereira like that, talking to the boy, reassuring, tugged at Brianna's heartstrings and she couldn't bring herself to take away another child from him.

That feeling abruptly dropped away with his last words and that scathing look he sent her. Immediately, her fingers clamped tighter on Matteo's shoulder, and the young boy winced as Pereira stood back up. Emotions were boiling up in her, threatening to explode out of her mouth with steam coming out her ears. She wanted to say so many things, to have a screaming match right here in the middle of the alley, audience be damned, by unfortunately one audience member she couldn't ignore. Matteo pulled on Brianna's hand shyly, and she tore her eyes, heating up with anger and tears, away from Pereira to the small boy. She tried to smile at Matteo encouragingly, but it was strained. Matteo didn't seem to notice.

"I like him," he whispered to her, keeping an eye on Pereira as though to make sure he wasn't going anywhere. "Can we ask him to come with us?"

Her smile froze in place as she turned her face back to Pereira. She was terrified because she was completely torn - she didn't, couldn't spend an afternoon with Pereira, but at the same time, she couldn't say no to Matteo. This was the first time he'd been so forward about 'liking' someone - it had taken him weeks before she received a hug from him. And now, he'd seen Pereira for all of a minute and he'd instantly liked him. A strange mix of feelings arose in her: anger, pain, happiness, and a little bit of jealousy was tearing her up inside.

"Darling, I'm sure Mr Pereira," she shot a glance at the latter, before turning back to face Matteo, "is busy today. Aren't you, Mr Pereira?"

[Neil Pereira]

Seeing the boy smile made something in Neil's brain jump in victory. If the boy liked him then he'd already won half the battle. But there was more to the elation he felt than just that thought of defeating Brianna. No..this time it was the tug on his heart: a tug which showed just how much he cared for the little boy's opinion. Perhaps he didn't know him, and perhaps he wouldn't have even paid much attention to his opinion had he not been here with Brianna. But for some reason, this boy's presence in the current situation only served to remind Neil of what he'd lost before he even had the chance to have it; the boy's reaction to him only served to lighten some of that deeply buried grief.

He noticed the wince almost immediately and gave Brianna a look. He may have fragged the boy into the argument, but she had no reason to take her anger out on the kid. He pretended not to notice the way her eyes shone with tears and looked coolly at her. When he'd been a little boy himself, his mother had once told him that Neil had the amazing capability of hurting those he loved so dearly, and hurting those who loved him too. She said he was one of the first few people who abused the power they held over those they liked. Of course, he did it purely out of spite and nothing else. Had Brianna not done to him what she had, then he might not even be here in this situation right now...

But she had. She had hurt him, and he didn't care if she'd also been hurt in the entire process. He didn't hold her choices against her, but he certainly held the actions she took to make those choices meet their ends. He had ended up getting hurt in ways he'd never thought he ever could; and he had nobody to blame but the seething blonde woman in front of him. For a moment he was reminded of the time they were at the beach in France, when everything was so different and light. He blinked to let the scene fade away. Instead he frowned at her question and then directed his gaze to the boy.

He opened his mouth to refuse. He didn't want to spend more time with Brianna. He didn't want to be around her. He was happy now - he didn't need to revisit old wounds. But something in the boy's wide eyes morphed Neil's words, causing him to surprise himself. "Well, that depends, young man. Where do you want to go?"

[Brianna McLaggen]

"No."

Brianna couldn't help herself, or the word that slipped out of her mouth. It wasn't really angry, because she was doing her utmost to control her anger in the face of the young boy who'd gone through too much, and the older man who she'd hurt enough. But it was still hard, her throat choking around it as Matteo blinked up at her, surprised and a little sad. His eyes were wide, and Brianna had to stamp down the horrid beating of her chest that made her feel like she was going to either pass out or have a heart attack and then pass out, right here in the middle of Diagon Alley. Either way, it meant her losing consciousness, either before or after her heart took off and her body couldn't take it. Because really, her heart was a very unnatural thing.

For example, how did it still manage to beat after Neil Pereira had completely torn it to pieces just months before? How did it still manage to provide her with life-giving blood when she could no longer provide life to her own kin? Why did it still beat for her, when she'd so many times asked it to please just stop, because it was hurting too much for her to go on? And worst thing of all, why did it still make her feel love, love that was tinged with pain and hurt and things too much for her to bear? She was only eighteen, for Merlin's sake! She was too young for all this - she had her entire life to live out, but now she could see no reason for living it beyond the little boy who was currently staring at her, puppy eyes and little pout in full effect.

She smiled tightly but apologetically, half-glancing at Neil before leaning down so that her eyes were on the same level as Matteo's. "Look, darling, see that big bag on Mr Pereira's shoulder?" She gestured in the general direction of Neil's person, not being able to look at him again. "It's very heavy, yeah? It looks heavy, don't you think? Baby, I think Mr Pereira wants to just sit down and have an ice cream 'cause he's tired. Maybe we'll go out another day, okay?"

No way in Merlin's saggy woolen socks was she ever going to do that, actually. She was just buying time, and then she'd plan to avoid going anywhere Neil Pereira might just happen to be. Which sadly included all of the Wizarding World, but hey, Muggle London was just as varied and delightful. Sure, there were less magic tricks and it lacked the liveliness (and wackiness) of the magical villages, but she'd have to make do. Besides, Matteo would never know. She took him out to Muggle London all the time.

[Neil Pereira]

Neil was the biggest liar on the planet, he and damned well knew it. Here he was with the best out being offered to him, and he still didn't want to take it. The saddest, most maddening part of the entire situation was the fact that he wasn't even doing it out of spite like he told himself he was. Maybe, yes, there was a lot of spite intermingled with his words and actions and thoughts and feelings, but he knew deep down that the only reason he wanted to be around Brianna was simply because he wanted to be around Brianna. Maybe it was the terrible way their relationship had ended; maybe it was some twisted revenge fantasy; maybe it was a misguided way to seek closure. He was hurting himself, he was hurting her and he was hurting his girlfriend who didn't even have a clue of what was going on right this minute. How had this happened? He'd only come to get Jade and Will some ice cream - yet here was, face to face, with the girl who helped turn his world upside down.

His heart went out to the little boy who looked saddened by the refusal. Frowning, he told himself that he was doing this for a kid. Some kid he didn't even know, for Merlin's sake. A kid he'd only nearly run into and didn't owe anything except an apology. He was only making this harder on himself after coming such a long way after a disastrous aftermath to a whirlwind romance. He reluctantly looked at Brianna, who seemed to be a physical representation of his mental turmoil. He knew this was hard on her, for some reason, and with everything he had in him, he reached out and tapped her on the shoulder, once, very quickly. It was like touching a burning hot wire. He yanked his hand back. What the hell was he doing? He could've just called her name. "McLaggen," the name tumbled, at that opportune moment.

Looking away, his jaw clenched, he shrugged and spoke in a soft whisper. "Look, I get it. I don't fancy being around you much either. But just suck it up and do it for the kid. It'll make him happy, and I'll be out of your way with an excuse within fifteen minutes, alright?" He practically spat the words, under his breath and then without waiting for her response he turned to the little boy, softening his tone. "I guess I can hang around for a little bit. But I have to go home soon because somebody's waiting for me, alright? Let me just get the ice cream I came to collect?"

Again, he didn't wait for a response, making a beeline for the counter and pressing his hand against the cool glass of the flavor display. Taking a deep breath, he looked up at the girl behind the counter, who looked positively concerned. He scoffed and spat, "What?" She jumped and shook her head. Ignoring his rudeness, he added, "Just a tub of Belgian chocolate. And put some of those sprinkles on the top, yeah? And - no, wait, add another tub of plain butterscotch too." He practically barked the order, determined not to sneak a glance behind him as he took out his money pouch from his back and placed a couple of silver coins on the counter top.

[Brianna McLaggen]

It took all of Brianna's mental and physical strength to keep herself rooted to the ground, both feet in their strappy yellow sandals glued to the uneven cobblestone street. However, she couldn't help the reflexive jump of her shoulder as his finger tapped it. The spot he touched burned like fire, sending electricity sparking down her arm, and her neck reflexively twisted so that her face was looking at him. Her gaze was intense, and she wouldn't have been too surprised if the volts working their way through her blood came out of her eyes.

He hadn't touched her in so long. She remembered very distinctly the last time they touched: the last comforting caresses when he'd comforted her and warmed her in that courtyard approximately a year and four months ago - had it really been that long? - before she'd finally told him that his baby was gone. She'd always known that she'd craved his touch, dreamed of that beach in France for months afterwards; even in her nightmares, she'd yearned for his touch. But to have him so close... it was maddening. She wanted so many different things: she wanted to step away far out of his reach, yet she wanted to leave all her memories and pain behind and just hug him, as her arms had ached to do for a year and four months, but she couldn't. She wanted to physically hurt him or threaten him to never touch her again. She wanted to beg on her knees for him to forgive her and didn't he know she was in pain, too?

Brianna felt like her head was being split open. All the emotions she'd felt she'd held at bay for at least four months now, every painful memory and every painful feeling that she'd kept walled up for the sake of Matteo, was suddenly pouring back in, filling in the crevices and sticking to her insides like chewing gum. She was forcefully dragged back to her past, and her eyes blurred with tears as the memories flashed past like a broken film.

She nodded mutely at his whispered suggestion, looking down at the pavement, unable to look at Matteo. He was never supposed to see her like this. She was supposed to be the strong one for him, the one who made him happy and the one who brought the smile to his face. She was supposed to be indestructible for him, damn it. And here she was, reduced to the ashes of her past. She tried her hardest to tug up the corners of her mouth in an attempt to pass everything off as okay when she turned to faced Matteo while Neil went inside to get his ice cream.

Her smile had to be watery at best, so she quickly thought an explanation for the curious little boy who was now eyeing her worriedly. "Sorry, darling, I just accidentally bit my tongue. You ever do that? Talk too fast and suddenly your tongue just gets caught in between your teeth?" At his innocent shake of head, she smiled again, more genuine this time. "Good. Don't talk too fast, okay? Kinda hurts when your tongue gets caught."

She sniffed and let out a little cough as she turned to survey the alley, escaping the Matteo's eyes which saw too much. "Okay, so Mr Pereira's just gone to get his ice cream, then we'll head over to Quality Quidditch Supplies. He can only stay for fifteen minutes, though, okay?" She watched him for his answer, and there was no reluctance or hesitation when he nodded. He must have figured out something was wrong. Brianna hastened to assure him (and herself as well) that everything was okay, so she bent her knees until her head was the same level as Matteo's, her eyes looking straight into his as she ran a hand through his hair.

"Mr Pereira's very nice," she said softly. "We just had a little misunderstanding, but it's all okay now. He's real happy to spend some time with you."

[Neil Pereira]

The woman took her own sweet time when it came to serving the ice cream. He had zero clue as to why she wasn't just using magic to do it - perhaps because the summer rush had died down a little by this point - or perhaps because she was somehow intuitive enough to figure out that he needed some space away from Brianna. In the blistering heat of the summer, the iciness between the two ex-lovers must have been palpable. Neil just wished that the kid hadn't had to come between this entire mess. He didn't know how Brianna was around the kid or how he was related to her, and he was determined not to find out at all. The more ties he built with her, the more he would be involved in her life and even if it was just a moment of connection, it was a moment too much. He didn't dare spend enough time around her to open that drawer of demons which he'd locked away too far long ago.

He turned to briefly watch Brianna and he felt something like ice pass over his skin - the kind of ice that so cold, it left a searing hot pain and then got stuck to your skin, so no matter how hard you tried, you ended up in a painful mess which left you numb and shaking. Watching her - and watching her interact with a little boy, no less - was five thousand times that painful. How could she even do that? It had to be illegal or something for her to be doing this, knowing that she'd murdered their own child. He felt not even the least bit awful about labeling her as a murderer - although there had been a time when he was frightened of becoming a father. Not becoming a father is something he wouldn't entirely change. But reaching this point was something he'd have wanted a say in. He shook his head, as the same thoughts circulated his mind over and over again. He had to snap out of it.

But how could he? How could he as he watched the two of them, and his mind automatically constructed a different scene which could've been. A scene where they'd come here together, and he was getting ice cream for them, and there were no tears and no sadness and he was watching over her and their son - No, Neil. Stop. he told himself, and stop he did. Shaking his head, he grabbed the package of ice cream, the packet a little cool from the cooling charm on it to keep the ice cream from melting, and then made his way out again.

He cleared his throat, and then looked at both of them. "Shall we?" he asked, in a tight voice.



((ick crappy reply i'm sorry D:))

[Brianna McLaggen]

While waiting for Neil to get his ice cream, Brianna decided to engage Matteo in a little game of I Spy. It was one of the little boy's most favourite games. Brianna was usually hard-pressed to guess his words, because he often didn't use standard words for each object. If he knew an object's name, he'd call it something different - if he didn't know an object's name, he'd make something up. It never failed to surprise Brianna exactly how bright Matteo's mind was, and she loved and encouraged his creativity. It was just that she could hardly ever guess exactly what his word was, even if she may have the right object, so he often included how close her guesses were.

"N," the girl hummed to herself, looking around contemplatively and trying to think outside the box. Matteo stood beside her proudly, watching excitedly for her to see the object he had chosen. "Is it... Neon? No? Okay, let's see... Nothing? Yeah, I knew you used it last time! Hmm, what else is there..." Her eyes fell on him, leaning against the counter and watching them. She flinched when he turned away, shaking his head. There would be no mending bridges on this trip, that was for sure. Brianna did her best to quell the growing hope that maybe she could talk to Neil without feeling like her chest was constricting - he blamed her, hated her, loathed her. She had no right to hope or even think of a possibility that he'd ever treat her civilly, ever again.

She swallowed, before smiling at Matteo. "Sorry, darling," she murmured. "I got distracted. Okay, is it... Nest?" She couldn't see one from here, but Matteo might have, with his keen and curious five-year-old eyes. He dimpled when he grinned widely, shaking his head and amused at her guesses. At least someone today would be in a good mood. Brianna pushed her bitter feelings aside. Matteo's happiness was what was important here. "Okay, darling, I give up. What is it that you Spy? I can't see nothing!"

The little boy smiled cheekily at her, before pointing at the one object she didn't want to look at again. "Neil?" she asked disbelievingly.

Matteo's head tilted in confusion, before he replied, "No... Is his name Neil? I didn't know that, but it fits - that's so cool!" His smile was wide and shining, and all Brianna could do was smile uncertainly back.

"Well, if you didn't know Mr Pereira's name was Neil, what word did you choose?" She was completely confused by the little boy's game.

He only grinned toothily at her in return. "He's 'nice'. That's my word. Nice. Cool, huh? I was actually going for 'nice guy' but you have a bit of trouble guessing my words, Anna... Are they really that hard? D'you think I'm smart? D'you reckon I could maybe go to Hogwarts like Michel when I turn eleven? It'd be so cool, wouldn't it, Anna? D'you ever go to Hogwarts? What house were you Sorted in? D'you think..."

Brianna tuned him out, only staring at the little boy who was already off talking a million miles per hour and casually running up to Neil and checking out the flavours the older man had gotten, before telling Neil what his favourite flavours were. He seemed at ease with Neil and the whole situation, which Brianna found completely shocking, as Matteo was really a quiet little boy who hardly ever talked to strangers. And yet there he was, smiling and walking towards her with Neil behind him, and they were both asking her if she was ready to go and was she really? Because she felt like she was in an alternate universe right now. She nodded at them distractedly, urging her feet to follow them a little ways behind, wondering exactly what it may have been that caused the switch to be thrown in Matteo.